Words are only words

2012-01-09T20:44:00.003+08:00

‎"Real feelings don't leave easily. If they do, the feelings couldn't be true to start with."

My mind had been filled with a thousand different thoughts. Searching for answers to every questions that's running through my head. We made decisions we're uncertain of, throughout every part of the journey. We took the risk and chances here and there. We laugh and we cry. We loved and we lost. As much as i hope for things to not change tremendously, somehow i felt that it's starting to. I know i've been through this plenty of time. I know that i'm gonna pull through like i always had. But somewhat or rather, there's a little difference this time. Or at least i thought there is. But after today, i realized that what i hoped for is far from fetch. I realized where i stand. I realized that it's not the same for you. Time, that's all i need for everything to get better. The words that i've been wanting to say seems to have lost it's meaning. It doesn't hold any significant value anymore. It would be the deepest secret i'll keep within myself. I'll hold on to the promises i made. I'll be happy to see you happy. ♥

2011-12-04T21:59:00.005+08:00

Girls can be a pain in the ass sometimes creating all the unnecessary dramas in one's life, craving for the spotlight to be shone on them; the only reason why i have more guy friends than girls.

I've only a handful of girls in my life that i would consider as close friends. I'm emphasizing on 'close friends', not best friends. And if you're in the list, then that definitely meant that i somewhat had high regards for you. You're not just another hi-bye friends on the street. You're one of those i'd trust enough to share my life stories with and most importantly someone i believed would know me well enough not to judge the person i am or to bring me down. And the sad thing is. As much as i would want these girls to stay with me for as long as the friendship could take us, pointless drama starts to act up. I, for once, had never ever had the intention to neglect/take anyone for granted.

I'm a grown up now, a working adult. I've got responsibilities to carry out. I'm no longer a teenage kid who'd have nothing to get her head messed up with other than school works, projects, test, etc. Working life had been taking much more of my time as compared to those days. I barely have time for myself and loved ones. So it's really not fair to blame me for not making time for my girls. I would if i could but i have my reasons for not being able to. You can't deny that plans with friends sometimes backfired when everyone starts to go their separate ways. We no longer have the same schedule whereby everyone would be having the same free time and such.

What dishearten me the most was the fact that you don't understand me like how you used to now. A little joke caused a stupid misunderstanding. And worst still, i don't even know why am i to be blamed. In the first place, i was joking. If by any means i got you thinking that i wanted to shoot you down then, i'm sorry. I wasn't. I was only teasing just for the sake of it. That's how we've been to one another all these while hadn't we? So why the sudden change? After all the years you've known me, shouldn't you have known better? Even though i barely contacted you these days, it doesn't necessarily meant that I've forgotten you or i wouldn't be there for you anymore. I would be as much as I've always had. Maybe not physically but you know i would. I've always tried my best to be your listening ears hadn't i? I tried to make amends to make things better. The decision is still up to you in the end. Maybe it's just me being paranoid. But you've made things to obvious for me not to notice. Whatever you chose to do, know that i love you like my own sister, so much.

I'd do anything there is to make things right. But I can't be the only one trying to save it.

2011-10-31T17:33:00.003+08:00

Things changes, people come and go; you'll just have to be strong for yourself. I don't know if i'm starting to become mean or if i'm just being a little more wiser. One things for sure, i'm tired of people taking me for granted.

A lot happened lately. And seriously, it doesn't even bother me one bit if you want to make me look bad in any ways. Go on and tell the whole world what you've got to say. Let them judge me. I don't care. They're no one significant to me, and neither are you.

I've stopped trusting people's word because the only person i could really count on is myself and no one else. People lie, for any reason, good or bad; it's still a lie. I honestly have no idea who to trust now. And yes, i've changed. Fullstop.

Thank God.

2011-09-20T19:22:00.002+08:00

As everyone else would know, i broke up recently. I actually thought that the depression is gonna stick with me for months. And i wouldn't be seeing myself being happy for quite awhile. But i was wrong. Everything happened for a reason. Be it good or bad, there's gonna be a reason for it.

I thank god for everything he's given me. For the truth that i should have known and for the people who completes me. For the lesson learnt in this life journey of mine. For every single challenges he put me through. And most importantly, for having faith in me that i could pull through the toughest obstacles he gave me. For giving me a strong heart to overcome every single path there is even when at times i broke apart. For making me realised who truly cared for me. For everything there is to be thankful.

Truth is, life hadn't been that bad. It's been rather kind to me. Especially with the people i have now. I've got a bunch of good friends who never really left me, even when i've been treating them rather badly. I've got my family around still. I've got a wonderful guy by my side and his family treated me nice as well. So what more could i asked for. We should always appreciate every single presence there is, shouldn't we? Thank you every single one of you. For trying your best to keep me going. For the constant moral support you've given. For your listening ears. For the wise words that i needed to hear. I appreciate everything, every single one of you beautiful souls had done for me.

Muhammad Haikal Bin Hanafi.

Thank you sweetheart for the assurance you've given me. For the words of encouragement you've always given to me. For the constant reminder that we can and we would pull this through. For not giving up on me. For putting up with my moodswings and tantrums. I honestly thank god that i found you. Without you, i wouldn't have been able to pull myself back up. I wouldn't have known the meaning of being happy after losing it for so long. Thank you for supporting me(support not sepak please) Hahaha. You're the best thing i ever had. Seriously. xoxoxoxo.

2011-09-09T10:28:00.003+08:00

Yesterday has come and gone.And I've learn how to leave it where it is.And I see that I was wrong.For ever doubting I could win.

There's only one thing i could describe of you. You're sucha joker. No, i don't mean it in a good way actually. Funny how you're still in this trend that you've set in your life and i doubt there would ever be any positive changes in you. Or maybe not anytime soon.

You know, it was kinda stupid that i actually thought of waiting for you, hoping that maybe NS could change you in your maturity level and your mindset. But now i realised that you would never changed. Because firstly, you're not having things that tough in there. And secondly, i've seen it for myself how you're still the same.

The fact that you're flirting around with many other girls matters a little less to me because it comes off as no surprise to me. You know it actually gave me a sense of satisfaction because i left you. And right at this point of time, i don't feel bad about it. You know why? Simple. Because you didn't quit flirting when you're with me. And even now that we're not together, you're still flirting when you claimed that you loved me and you're still waiting for me. Your actions just contradicts your words. And as much as i would love to give you the benefits of the doubt that you're not the same old jerk, i couldn't bring myself to. You're still acting like one huge asshole. And there's just no assurance in the words you spoke. Sorry to say this, but it's the truth.

I mean even if you wanted so badly to move on and get me replaced, stick to one girl my dear. Quit saying all the lovey dovey words to all the different girls and then break their little heart. Stop making yourself look like one desperado. I don't blame those girls that you've ever wooed and they actually find you like one desperate guy trying so hard to get a girl in your life. Because you are acting like one. Quit being so dramatic and two face. Don't act all so sad when you're actually happy. Just an advice from me, if you ever want to have a long lasting relationship, then treasure the relationship like it meant too much to you. Don't take it for granted and.... STAY FAITHFUL TO ONE GIRL.

Oh well, i'm just thankful that i didn't fall in your trap once again. Because boy, you're not worth my time and effort. I'm over and done with you and your sweet words. And even if you refuse to befriend me again, it doesn't matter i guess. Cause i lose hope in you. Thank you very nice. xoxo (:

And one last thing, don't think that i'm still not over you just because i blogged about you. Since the past couple of days, i've never been happier that i'm no longer with you.

2011-08-28T00:04:00.002+08:00

I miss the person i used to be. The one who never lets anything brings her down. The one who would always be pessimistic despite how hard the obstacles in her life is. I miss her.

Over the years, i've seen a lot of changes in the person i was before and how i turned out to be now. A lot of factors contributed to all these changes, minor or major. Being the way i am now is not something i would be proud of simply because i'm not as happy as i used to be. The older i get, the more complications start to sink in and it just made the percentage of my happiness lessen. No wonder adults are always moody and cranky. No wonder they're always pissed at almost everything. It's not easy being one. I missed being a little girl. Life was much simpler back then. You don't have to worry about anything much. You're happy and contented over the littlest thing. Being a little kid is so much more easier. And kids, they just make everyone else feels better. That's what i wanna do. Being able to make everyone else around me feel better, making a difference in someone else life.

Lately my mood had been a bitch. I get emotional over the slightest thing and that sucks. i don't know what happened to me. Sometimes even i myself felt like giving me one tight slap for being so damn annoying. Sigh. There's no purpose for this post actually. I just wanted to rant as much as i could. It's rather pointless, i know. But what the heck, it's my blog anyway. i can ramble for as long as i love to.

My mind's too tired to think of anything right now. If only there's a button that could switch it off, then i wouldn't have to bother so much getting all emotional. All i could say now is... i feel..... empty.

Blessed

2011-08-10T19:58:00.004+08:00

I don't want a perfect relationship. I just want someone who I can act silly with, someone who treats me well and loves being with me.

I never thought that i would feel happy again. Least of it all was to think that i would be happy with someone else. I'm not whining or anything. I'm just thankful. For having Haikal around being there for me and all. And most importantly, for making me a happy girl every single day. There isn't a day that goes by without him making me smile. I feel loved being around him and his family. His mama treated me like a part of them. And it felt really nice. To be getting along really well with

It's nice to feel so blessed after so long, with all the wonderful people around who had been the best to me. Life isn't that bad afterall. Alhamdullilah.

I guess now i'm determined to officially get over you. Because it's time that we moved on. I could see that you're doing just fine without me as well. And that's a good thing really, cause at least you're happy. So am i. For you as well as myself. I never did considered you as my enemy or anything. And you know that i usually still became friends with all my ex-es, that includes you. Maybe now isn't the right time for us to be friends and act like nothing was wrong. But i hope you wouldn't hold any grudges against me in future. All i wanted was to be happy. That's what everyone wished for, isn't it? I don't see anything wrong with myself trying to pursue my own happiness. And you should to.

"...I rather suffer and miss youso as to keep you with me for as long..." - Haikal Hanafi

Haikal, i know it's not easy with the fact that i have yet to get over my past and really let go. I know you had been the best. Being patient with me and my antics. Still trying to listen even though it might hurt. And most importantly, giving your best to make me stay for as long as i could. With utmost sincerity, i thank you for making me feel like a significant part of your life. I never thought that we would be where we are now. But i'm thankful for every little things you ever did for me from the very first time, from the little advice to the motivation. I couldn't ask for anything more. Tayang banyakbanyak banyak kali. ♥

2011-08-06T11:04:00.003+08:00

This is gonna be a very dry and boring post. I'm bored and i just felt like blogging. But i have no idea what to blog about. -_-"

I've had always been updating my blog if something is weighing on my mind. Thus, most of the posts i had are sad ones. It gets boring, i know. And so, i shall blog about other stuff that is not oh so sad.

Yesterday was tiring but awesome. The very least, get to meet the cuteboy that i missed so much. The prince fetched his princess from work and then we headed off to his palace for break fast. One thing i liked about them is that they don't exactly make me feel like a total stranger trying so hard to blend in. I could talked with his mama without feeling that much awkwardness. They're a cute bunch of people, very friendly. I was definitely scared to have dinner with them for i don't know what reason. But it was not so bad after all. Princeshwek, i liked being around your family. And most importantly, around you. ♥

2 months ago, i couldn't wait to get over and done with the training. But after all those weeks with an awesome bunch of colleagues, i felt heavyhearted to end the training now. Five days left to graduation. Soon, Sp09/11 would have to go our own separate ways. Even though most of us are going to the same command, it still felt different. Cause for sure not everyone's gonna be in the same team/shift. I'm sure i'm gonna miss each and everyone of them. ): I hope we would all still be on talking terms after everyone posted out. Sayang semua nya. ♥

Four more days to someone going to NS. All the best, i'm sure you would pull it through. ♥

2011-07-30T17:39:00.003+08:00

In the midst of all the emotional games that we've been through, it finally knocked me in the head that it's going nowhere. This has nothing to do with anyone else. It's between you and me. So let it be just that. There isn't a need to blame anyone else other than ourselves.

The problems we're facing had always been there all along. We're being ignorant by trying to make it go further when we knew we should have stopped long ago. I don't know what made me put an end to it. i just did. And no one convinced me to. I made the decision on my own will.

You see, throughout the 26 months that we've had, i couldn't remember the last time i ever felt happy. When was the last time we met, and i didn't cry in front of you? I did, everytime. Didn't i? It defeats the purpose of staying in a relationship if you know it only gets worst and despite all the efforts you put into it, it didn't get any better. And that is why i chose to let go.

The only reason i had been avoiding you so much was because you kept forcing me. I really didn't expect the whole situation to turn out in such a way. But it did and there's nothing we could do to change it all.

Truly, i missed being happy. And after so long, i am now. All i could say to you is I'm sorry.

i miss you too much.

2011-07-15T21:48:00.004+08:00

"Even for a girl that has a lot on her mind, you don't show the world that you're troubled. Which is good cause you don't bring the people around you down with you.''

"How can you tell if a girl is strong. When her smiles and laughter drown her sorrow so as not to bring anyone around her down with her. You're the best. Anything i'm always here. I've always been for the past couple of years."

- Haikal Nafi, good friend who had been there for me since the past years gave me his encouraging words. At times i tried my best to convince myself that i am good enough for the people around. But most of the time i failed in convincing myself.

My mind seems to cramp themselves up with unnecessary thoughts. Thoughts that made me feel like cooping myself in my room and cry my heart out, without anyone knowing. Things that made me feel like being alone. It felt like.......... really really heartbreaking having to do what i had to. You might think that there's other solutions to the problems we had been facing and this shouldn't be it. But truly, is there? We had been trying over and over again trying to make changes. But it's still the same.

Even when i treated you real badly and be as bitchy as i could be(and i swear it kills me deep inside to treat you that bad), you still wouldn't give up on me. I don't know why am i acting in such a way. Maybe because i figured that i'm never ever good enough to be nice to you. There are reasons as to why i let go now. Reasons that you might not accept or understand. I honestly had no intention to hurt you and i don't know why am i trying so hard to make you hate me. But one thing's for sure, i could never hate you even when i said i did. Truth is, i miss you... very much.

Do you remember what day would it be in two days time? Yes, our 26th Monthsary. Even though we didn't get to celebrate our special day, i would never forget anything that has got to do with you.

My facebook page still has your name. And you're still in the same group. Your name in my contact list is still the same. i still have your picture in one of my wallpapers. i still remember you every single time and i still miss you.

I still remember every single thing you did for me. And thank you for being the best for me despite all the arguments that we ever had.

And you know my family and nenek and my aunties would once in awhile look for you. Even my cousins treat you like one of us. You're that close to us...and to me.

You know that i had and i would always stay faithful. Even though it's over now, it doesn't mean that it's the end. It doesn't mean that it wouldn't work out in future just becuase it's not now. Fate is in God's hand. Just have faith. Kalau da jodoh tak kemana. I would always love you as much as i always had. I'm sorry babylovecinta. <3

We can't go on forcing things.

2011-07-10T16:43:00.003+08:00

I don't know which is worst. To feel that i've let you down tremendously or the thought that i could no longer hold on to make it work. Or probably both. True enough, it's not easy to let go when you've put in a lot of efforts into it. And no, i don't intend to move on. But i figured that there's a need for us to learn things the hard way.

I'm not inferring that we've been having it easy. We definitely have not. But apparently, it wasn't hard enough for us to learn anything to change things. It's stagnant. Maybe there's still a lot more we need to learn. Maybe we're just not ready for this. I'm not ready for this. At this point of time, it's hard for me to shoulder this responsibilities on the commitments that we have to commit ourselves. The only reason that i finalized my decision was because i know that it wouldn't get better any time soon.

I know that despite how bitter things ended up, i wouldn't be neglecting you. And i would still be there for you, as much as i always had. I'm not going to turn my back against you. I just hope you could respect my decisions. I believed that God had made plans for everyone of us. And if we're fated, nothing could stop fate. Just have faith in HIM. I'm sorry dearest. For being so bad. You had been great to me. And i'm blessed for that. But sometimes you just have to quit trying so hard to make things work. Cause it would only get worst. Truly sorry.

2011-06-06T16:44:00.005+08:00

Trying to surpass each day with a strong heart just gets harder. There's bound to be something to hit me down right when i'm trying my best to stand still on my own two feet.

No one understood. What i'm going through. What i had to go through. The reasons for the things i did and why i reacted in such a way. No one knows. And no one ever will.

No, i'm no longer a nice person. My heart was harden with all the obstacles that i've ever been through. And the only reason it did was because i'm tired of people taking advantage of me when i was nice and not appreciating any of my efforts made. I used to be so weak. But i'm not going to be anymore.

I don't care if your friends dislike/hate me. And no, they definitely don't deserve my respect. Did you actually think that they respected you as a friend? Well, to me they didn't.

As a friend, you don't go around passing their numbers as you pleased like as though you've got a share in it. Where's your initiative in asking? I don't fucking care if you gave it to your girlfriend or whoever shit to ask for help. I still think it's disrespectful to do so without asking for permission.And from the way i read the messages, i don't see her asking for help in any of the text messages. In fact, she's actually confiding in MY boyfriend when she's suppose to be in confiding in YOU instead. Oh, and she even claimed that the only reason she turned to MY boyfriend was because he's the only one who knew the problems between you two? HAH! You've got to be kidding me. And i truly meant what i said when i told you she doesn't deserve my respect. And you're offended when i insulted her? Then why the fuck did she make herself look so cheap telling her boyfriend's friend that she fucked with another dude? Where's her dignity and self respect? The person she'll telling her personal stuff to is not even related to her in any ways. And he's your fucking friend for goodness sake. Don't you feel ashamed? -_-

And i was definitely pissed off as hell because she's fucking telling my own boyfriend that she fucked with another dude. What does that got to do with him that you've got to tell him that? Well to me, you're only looking for sympathy girl.

And to you, you're not satisfied with my reply and you asked me to mirror myself? Hah! I did, at the very least i have my dignity and i don't go around telling people who doesn't even matter to me that i fucked around with another guy. -.- And you asked me to consider people's feeling? Why should i consider her feelings? Did she even considered mine when she told all those stupid stuff pretending to be upset? HAH! Please have some common sense. Why does she chose to confide in your friend instead of you. She even said she didn't want to text you and she wanted to be alone. And why the hell must she ask my boyfriend whether he's angry with her when she made the confession. -.-

Well girl, i hope you're satisfied now. You've got two guys backing you up. And you've managed to make the both of them blamed me. Congrats. (:

When karma hits you, then you'll know what i was feeling and why i reacted in such a way.
I can be nice, but i can turn out bitchy as well. I'm only nice to people who deserve my kindness and is kind to me as well. Other than that, fat hopes!
Thanks. Bye.

Depression Mode.

2011-05-31T20:27:00.005+08:00

Yes, i'm a mess. I'm not perfect. I'm not the best daughter, friend, sister or girlfriend to anyone. I have attitude problem and at times i vent it on people that matters the most to me. But at the very least, i DID try my best. To be someone whom people would be proud of knowing and acknowledging. To be someone whom no one ever wants to lose.

It's ironic how everyone else kept making the assumption that i'm a pampered girl with the fact that i am the only daughter my parents had. The rest of my siblings are boys. Younger ones. And yes, i'm the eldest. But as much as i wished that it was true, it isn't.

Being the eldest and being the only girl in the family wasn't easy. Expectations set were higher and the pressure that was put on my shoulders were much more intense. And the saddest part of it all was the fact that every single achievements that i've had wasn't acknowledged. Or at least not the way i expected it to be. It's not easy for me trying to be a filial daughter as well as a responsible sister. Because no matter what i've done, be it good or bad, in the end the blame would still be thrown back at me. It was never easy growing up. I never did understood why was i treated differently. They always said that i'm a girl unlike the other siblings. I still don't get it why is it that such irrelevant excuse were used as a reason. I mean... In this current generation, it definitely doesn't make any difference whether you're a girl or a boy. People (those of the older generations especially) ALWAYS make judgment that daughters are to be taken extra precautions against, else they'll turn out to be mislead and tainted. Which i definitely disagree. We're living in the twentieth century now. Quit being so judgmental please. Gender doesn't makes any difference. Be it male or female, they'll still turn bad if they chose to be. For example, girls won't get pregnant if the guy had been responsible enough not to make her pregnant. Isn't that the guy's fault as well? Stop making girls look so bad. -_- And there are boys who smoke, take drugs, steal, gets into trouble all the time. Stop blaming other people for the way your child turns out to be. The way you treat your child plays a part in how they would turn out in the future as well.

And pardon me, you said i'm rude? I wouldn't be if you hadn't been pushing me into feeling so depressed having a mother who had never encouraged her daughter and treated her sons so much better. I'm barely close to being happy in this goddamn house. Ergh. I hate how you guys never appreciate anything i ever did in this family.

I hate when my parents always say/do things that would bring me down. I mean. As parents shouldn't you be motivating your children. But i've never ever felt the motivation in any of you. And stop being so fake. Stop pretending to treat ALL your children the same when clearly you're practicing favoritism among us. -.- I can't even believe that i managed to get through these difficult life that you put me through. When it comes to me, it's always negative to you. But when it comes to your sons, they're always the perfect one. -.- I hate you.

I swear these insecurities are killing me like hell. I wish i wouldn't be feeling as empty as i am now.

Should we hold on or should we....

2011-02-14T18:31:00.004+08:00

I let too many things that are out of my control get to me. I just need to focus being happy.

With gritted teeth, i tried so hard holding back this emotion that's piling up in me. Trying so hard not to let a single tear fall and constantly reminding myself that i am strong. I will always be as strong as i will ever be. Everyone else could let me down, but i still have my own self to count on. I'm putting on a strong front. I'm faking a smile. To prove to you and everyone else that I am stronger than you think.

At this point of time, I'm still trying to figure out the things that is happening between us. My mind is still trying to get a grip of everything you had just said in our earlier conversation. Every single hurtful words you spit out. It felt so... heartbreaking. It kept me thinking. What should i do now?

The first thing that came to mind was...
I'm not good enough for you. I never was. I couldn't make you happy. I never did. I wasn't a good girlfriend. Neither could i be a good wife in future. You deserve someone better. Much better than me. Someone who could and would give you the happiness you've been longing for. Something that i had never achieved. All you ever did was to see the flaws i had in me. The good traits i had seems to go unnoticed.

Truly, all i ever wanted was to be the only girl you would ever love and the only one who's constantly on your mind. The only one that matters. I wanted to be the reasons for your smile. The reason for your laughter. The reason for your happiness. The reason your heart beats fast. The reason you had butterflies in your tummy. But... I wasn't.

Are we trying too hard? Or are we not trying hard enough? Are we being in denial? Or are we just expecting too much?

I wish i could figure out all these answers soon enough. A decision has to be made else things just drag on further and we'll both get hurt deeper.

I'm sorry. If I'm the worst you've ever been with.

Just so you know, I loved you more than i've ever shown. (':

2011-01-26T22:06:00.002+08:00

Nothing hurts more than having people around you disapproving your decisions. I really don't understand why does things always have to be hard for me. Does it please everyone when i cry my heart out? Does it makes your life better making my life miserable? I'm really tired if living this pathetic life.

I had been crying since the moment i get back home. I cried my heart out till i fell asleep even though i realized no one would bother even if i shed tears of blood. And even now while i'm typing, i'm still crying. Why do i even bother feeling upset when no one cares. Fuck.

What exactly do you people want from me? Why is it that each and every time i tried to be happy, something bad would happen to bring me down? What more do you want?

Its like as though my life is really fucked up at this point of time.
I always get insults or negative remarks from people that matters. I guess it wouldn't affect me much if it was from someone else. But the thing is, it's always from people who should be supporting me. That's the most disheartening part. Sigh.

2011-01-25T20:48:00.003+08:00

I don't want us to live in regrets. Wanting to say something but not being able to say it out. I don't want us to waste any chances we ever had. The thing is, each and every time i wanted to pour my heart out to you, you barely understand. Sometimes you just have to really listen to what people have to say. At times i could be really indirect. Will you please just try to understand.

2011-01-25T20:48:00.000+08:00

2011-01-25T18:49:00.003+08:00

I don't understand you. I tried being a good girlfriend but truly i think i failed. I've never felt like as though you felt blessed having me as part of your life. In fact, I've never ever felt like i was a part of your life.

And you don't have to keep looking down on yourself because there's no point in doing so. What's your motive of saying all those things? To gain sympathy from people or was it just to make me feel bad? It isn't beneficial to anyone else or more importantly to you, when you think negatively of yourself. If really, you feel bad about yourself. Then why not make a change? Why do you kept whining and complaining about how difficult life is but then you never even try to make some changes to your life. You know, like doing something that would prove others wrong. To prove them that you could achieve something you could be proud of instead of just letting them have their negative thoughts on you. In order to make the world respect you, you have to respect yourself first. But that's the thing. Your low self-esteem are getting to you. And slowly even you yourself starts to lose respect in yourself. How do you expect others to look up to you then when even you yourself look down on your own life. The most important part of changing the way the world looks at you is by changing the way you look at yourself.

Please have some confidence in yourself.And honestly, i had never looked down on you as badly as you looked down on yourself. I meant it, NEVER.
Think about it. After all, it's your life.

2011-01-19T23:58:00.004+08:00

I tend to runaway from things i don't wish to argue about. I always felt that it's better for me to just shut myself up so that things doesn't get anymore worst than it already were.
All these while it felt like as though i'm always a bad person to you. I couldn't sense the appreciation of having me around in you. It seems like i'm only a burden to you. I really don't know what more to say or what more to expect. Sigh.

I'll still pray the best for you. I'll still pray that everything will go well for you. Just like i did every night. I'll always have your name in my every prayers.

2011-01-19T21:21:00.003+08:00

I'm home alone. The sound from the television is blasting in my living room. Yet it isn't loud enough to compete with the voices playing in my mind. At times like this, all i feel like doing is to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep. But then again, that would only make me think deeper into my thoughts.

No, nothing bad happened today. In fact everything went well, and finally i've gotten myself a job. But as i said, i tend to space out when i'm alone, challenging my brains to do all these unnecessary thinking. -.-

You know the feeling of being lonely. Even though you know that there's people around you but yet you're alone. Even when you know that there will always be at least one person in your life whom you could count on.

I know that i have many people who could/would be there for me when i feel really down, when i need someone to be there to listen to my every rant and every whine. But... i still feel like i'm alone. Don't ask me why i felt this way. It's just how i felt deep within me. Probably i think too much, i know.

I actually liked having deep thoughts. It gave me the sense of satisfaction when i get to debate with my own self with things in my life. But yet at times, it could be rather disheartening.

Things don’t always work out as planned and in the midst of confusion, we often wonder how things could ever be right again. But life has a way of working out, sometimes better than we could ever imagine, surpassing all of our dreams and expectations.

I find this quote rather interesting. Partly maybe because i find it true?

We always make plans for our self, be it present or future needs. However, at one point of time things might not turn out to be the way you had in your mind. Expectations soon turns to disappointment and that will either discouraged you or motivate you to work harder. Our mind would work in such a way - trying to figure out where exactly did you went wrong, why it went wrong and how could the outcome be totally different from what you expected. It's a cycle.

Changes will not stop happening. Everyday, any time, some changes does take place be it good or bad. You simply can't run away from changes. I had a particular module where there was a session on "Who moved my cheese?" It was basically a short animation on Changes. Somehow it does taught me some lesson. You just have to adapt yourself to the changes you have around you.

And i realised that most of my post are very wordy. I guess i crap too much? -.-

2011-01-18T20:14:00.002+08:00

Bear with me a little. This post is gonna be dry.

My year hadn't been starting off well. Problems coming up everywhere - jobless, many assignments due and such. But that does not stop me from not giving up. I'm still finding a job, one by one assignments are being done and over with, and relationship problems were sorted out even though it's not near to being perfect.

Why does finding a job has to be this hard. Sheesh. -.-
I'll be graduating soon. i know i could actually wait for that day to come and find a full time job which could actually be a better option. But to think of it, i really need a job now. And i actually mean immediately. The only reason is because if i don't have a job, i won't have any income. Thus, i'll be having a major financial crisis then. I could not possibly ask my parents for money cause they're having their own financial burdens. That explains why i have to be independent. Sigh. This is so annoying.

I think i'm starting to drift away from a couple of friends in school. It's not that i dislike them. But sometimes they could really get on my nerves. I shall not mention names here or else there would be another problem coming up. But on the other hand, the other couple of friends are beginning to more or less start to have conversations with me like we used to. That's something positive at least.

I actually don't have an idea as to what to talk about but i just felt like blogging. It's a bore i know but oh well, who cares. I doubt anyone reads it anyway.

To my dearest one and only, get well soon sweetheart. He had sore eyes and his eyes were really swollen. Poor him. Don't forget your medications alright. See you soon. <3

I guess i shall stop this mundane post here.

Goodnight.

2011-01-13T20:53:00.004+08:00

You know...

The main problem isn't about me not making the efforts. Neither is it about the issue that i have yet to accept you back in my life. It isn't about you making all the effort and i did none. Tell me, if i hadn't been putting in any effort all these months, do you think we would have reached this far? I bet you, we would have not.

We both filled ourselves with denial. Refusing to admit one's mistake and chose to blame the other person. The way the both of us acts sometime does made me wonder how in the world did we managed to get this far.

But think again, if it wasn't for all those mistakes you repeated over and over again, i wouldn't have lose faith in you. Yes, everyone makes mistake. Even i admit i made plenty of them. But you should learn from it. Being sure not to repeat it time and again. But that's the problem. Instead of amending the broken pieces, you broke it again even before everything was back to being normal. You just don't learn your lesson. So how is it my fault for acting in such a way?

The reason that i had to think twice before having you back in my life isn't because i did not love you. I do. But i just don't want to make the same mistake of having you back in my life but in the end you let me down again. I convinced myself that you would change ech and every time i gave you a chance. I kept telling myself that you will not let me down again. But you proved me wrong. It happened again. All these while the efforts i ever made was never seen by you. And it's draining me out.

The conditions were set to assure myself that i have nothing to lose. I feel that i had been lenient enough to you in the past. And i have to be a little selfish this time round. It's either you change or me, like you said. And it's either you accept the conditions i set for you or you don't. Not being together does not mean that everything is over. Maybe we just have yet to know the other person well enough. And really, i don't understand why is it so hard to convince me that you're changing for the better. Is me or is it just you? I wonder.

I guess i confused my feelings with my fear. Yes, I'm extremely afraid of getting hurt again. Sigh.

2011-01-06T12:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, i personally feels that i had been really patient and lenient. But when some people takes advantage of that fact and takes it for granted, i don't think i will tolerate it any further.

We're always taught a lesson in life based on everything that had happened. Forgiving is easier than forgetting. To me at least. And all along i had always been the kind of person who forgive but never forgets. Especially when it comes to something that made me go through a lot of emotions all at once. No, i'm not being petty nor am i seeking for revenge. It isn't about accomplishing the sense of satisfaction by making your life miserable. That's not what i intend to do. I do still know the practice of sympathy. Therefore, i would never seek revenge against you. But you know, it does get really tiring when you're given a chance over and over again a gazillion times yet you just took it easy. Like it's a game to you. It's really exerting all of my efforts and energy. You can't expect things to still be the same. You can't expect me to still treat you the same like nothing had ever happen and that I'm not affected by everything.

Honestly, up till now, i still hadn't had a clue. Why these crap had to happen over and over again. 20 months. And it seems like it meant nothing to you. The thing that hurts the most was actually the fact that the problem we had before was starting to subside. I started believing your words. But damn, it happen again. So tell me, how in the world do you expect me to forget so easily. Yes, i forgave you. That explains why i am still talking to you. But no, i could never forget any of it. It hurts too much my dear. If you had been through it, you would have understood. But you didn't and so you don't.

Take time to just sit down and think it through. If it was someone else, would they have tolerate any of these? If it was someone else, do you think they would have stayed? I'm still here. And i will be here for you for as long as you still need me. But i've lose faith and trust in you. You have to prove yourself to me. It's not just a one day thing. It's long term. And i tell you this, it's not going to be easy. It's going to take a lot more than this to fixed things up. Compare to all the heartache i felt, this is nothing. So you choose. Either you stay or you leave.

And lastly, the reason i'm still here is because i'm still waiting for you to convince me. And for you to prove me and everyone else wrong. For you to fix up the mess you had created. It's not going to be easy.

2011-01-05T16:15:00.012+08:00

There could be a million different reasons that could hide behind two eyes, and the sad part is no one will probably ever really know.

A new year. That means it's time for a new beginning, new experiences, new challenges, new resolutions. Everything new.
But shucks, shit happened when it was only the beginning. How bad can the year become?
Note to self: Keep reminding myself to have a positive mindset please.

My resolution for this new year is to be stronger and not letting things get to me easily.
And so, i shall accomplish that goal. I don't want to be weak anymore. I'm just really tired of people taking advantage of the fact that I'm being lenient enough to them. If they don't take me seriously then why should i take them for real. Right?

There comes a time in our life when everything we ever did wouldn't matter anymore. When all that is important was to make a change. To do something that will result in something different than the common sight we had in our life. Knowing the fact that it might not turn out the way we expected but having to take the risk and hope that changes would take place. One day, everything will fall back into place.

Whenever i'm all alone, i would be having a thousand thoughts jumbled up in my head. Sometimes things that made me think deep, sometimes just something that could make me smile or break into tears in an instant.

You know, this thing called Life. It's something that we have to deal with each and everyday. Like it or not, we are the one going through it. The pain, the laughter, the good and the bad times, no one is going to feel what we felt. Someone might be saying this to you, "I understand what you're going through. I've been there before." Even i admit that i ever said that to someone else. But really, do you? I think even when i said that to someone else, i actually don't really understand. Maybe, just maybe, in a way we've been through the same challenges that life put us through. The things we felt might be described as the same but really it isn't. The impact of how badly something could hurt or how great it could affect you actually depends on your experience. Different people has different things going on in their life. None is the same. Not everyone would be having the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same reaction, the same effect. It's similar maybe but never the same.

Sometimes i tried so hard finding reasons as to why does humans have the tendency of hurting when we ourselves dislike getting hurt. Ironic isn't it? But oh well, that's just our nature despite how weird it is. The thing about living in this complex world is that at times there's too many unnecessary 'drama' that were created and slowly it just makes you grow tired of all these bullshits.

What's the main thing that everyone would be searching for during our lifespan? Maybe it vary to certain people. It could be anything. Wealth? Health? Love? Sacrifices? You name it. But i'm pretty sure majority would opt for Happiness. To lead a blissful life, that's the greatest blessing anyone could asked for. But then again, that's where the complication sinks in. How do you attain leading a happy life? Is it with the wealth you've got? Or is it being with the person you anticipate spending your lifetime with in future? It seems rather difficult to achieve happiness in this world that had became tainted with negativity.

Maybe you don't understand what in the world am i ranting about. And maybe i've gotten off track. But like i've said, i've got a thousand thoughts in my head. And these are some random parts of them. I doubt that many of you read this lengthy post till the end. And for those who did, thank you for sparing your precious time reading this dull post of mine. And sorry if it does bore you to death. Hah.

2010-12-10T22:42:00.002+08:00

I've not been updating my blog for quite some time, i know.
There were several times that i had been wanting to blog but my mind was just not in a proper state to find the right words to put.
As you might have known, I'll only update my blog if i need to pour out my feelings.
Getting to say what i had in mind, does distress me a little.

Lately, i hadn't been much of myself. Don't ask me why.
I myself do not understand what's going on in my mind.
Something is bugging me. It makes me feel really upset. And it does paranoids me.
Yes, i know what exactly i'm upset about. But i don't exactly know why.
Maybe because there's too many changes going on between us?
I just miss the old times. The old you. The old us.
There's just so many memories that i miss about us.
Sigh. The more i think about it, the more upset i feel.
Ergh. )':

2010-07-23T10:18:00.006+08:00

Since I've created a tumblr, I've been neglecting this precious blog of mine. I'm sorry darling for neglecting you. I shall spare some time to clean you up right now alright baby. Heh. (:

I really have no idea what to blog about. I'll just blog some random thoughts alright. So here goes. Sorry if I'm crapping.

I used to think that when you're upset with something/someone, the best thing to do was just to keep it to yourself. You don't have to tell everyone all about it. Only yourself would know what you're going through or what you've been through. But I've come to realised that my mindset was wrong. True, you can't possibly tell everyone about everything.There's a kind of
boundaries you have to set for yourself. Certain things are best to be spoken out whereas some others are better to be kept alone. And you your own self knows which is which.

I used to keep almost everything to myself. And for those people who knew what i had in mind, they're lucky enough to found it out themselves. Then, i started to pour out what i thought, what i felt and everything else that is needed to be said. I started ranting out my heartfelt emotions and confession to people that really matters. I've learnt that sometimes you just have to pick up the courage to say what you have to say and bother about everything else later on. You can't
always expect people to know what you're thinking about unless you let them.

You just got to talk things out, say out what you had in mind and what is truly in your heart.
Tell them things that they needed to know. Don't bother if it makes you look bad or if you would cry your heart out. If they really care, they won't bother about all those little things. And in my opinion, this is the best way to solve misunderstandings.

To my dearest BabyGirl, Miraa Sanchikas. Cheer up alright sweetheart. Things might not be as easy to you now. It might not turn out the way you expected it to. But i know you're strong enough sweetheart. You just got to have a lot of patience. You will make it through trust me. And by all these little things that had occurred, you would learn the meaning of life. It would open your eyes to a lot of other things you've never realised. No matter what happen you still have me to count on. Love you much dearest. *hugsandkisses*

Heartfelt rants.

2010-07-21T11:59:00.000+08:00

It’s ironic isn’t it? People whom meant a lot to you said that they loved you with all their heart. Yet their actions contradict their words. So which one should i believe then? What i hear or what i see?

All along i had always known that if i were to be in this relationship with you, it’s going to be really hard. Cause too many challenges were thrown right at our faces even when we had just started out. No, i’m not saying i’m regretting anything. I’m just emphasizing how i had been trying to put on a strong heart. For you sake, our sake.
But really, i don’t think you have a clue as to how much i had really struggle to keep it going. You always assume that everything, every effort, every sacrifices, everything there is to be made in this relationship, came from you. What about me then? Didn’t i play a part to keep it going. If i didn’t, what made you think that we would have stayed this long? It takes two hands to clap doesn’t it? So it’s clear that this relationship is still standing because we BOTH contributed our efforts in it. NOT you alone.

Lately, you’re always going about on how patient you had been with me. Yes, i know you had been putting up with my nonsence and all. But dear, please wake up. Recall everything we had gone through. Since the first up till now. I had been putting up with a whole lot your nonsence too. Remembered how many shits you put me through? And for all those things done, i could have pretty much left you and just moved on. But well, i didn’t. I still stayed. Even though i knew how much the truth was hurting me. I stayed on because i know that i truly love you. But you never did realised all the little things i did.

It gets really tiring you know. You’re always saying that i gave up easily. But put yourself in my shoes, be in the state that i am. I’m sure you would have done the same.
There’s still so much more for me to say that i wished you would know. But i guess sometimes, it’s not worth it to let out everything. Cause sometimes, it will only make things worst. And i know that if i were to speak out my mind, things wouldn’t get better. So why risk the heartache, right?

Please. Just one thing i want from you. Don’t leave me hanging. Don’t force yourself to stay if you don’t intend to.

2010-06-10T20:22:00.004+08:00

I guess in the end, people become the people they promised they would never be. And they do things they swore they would never do.

Have you ever been in a kind of situation whereby you truly care and was only being concern yet your sincerity was somehow being questioned? I feel like right at this point of time, things are starting to get way out of hand. In such a way that i'm left feeling so helpless trying to figure out what i did wrong. Im really tired, emotionally and mentally. My strength is starting to be depleted. Just when i thought that things might get better, everything turned around and pushed me back down. Tell me, how am i suppose to put on a strong heart then. I'm not any superhuman to be able to take every blow in a single shot. There's only so much i could bear at one go.

I know things are hard right now for you. I understand that and i'm not blaming you. I'm really trying my hardest to be there for you but you pushed me away. What was my mistake? Every single things you had ever said to me, did you really meant it? Was i really the bestest girlfriend to you? Cause honestly, i feel like im not. Here i am trying to be a your listening ear, even though i could not solve your problems for you, i just didn't want you to go through this rough patch alone. You really didn't need to treat me this way. It hurts a lot, badly. True, it didn't happen to me. But still, it does affect me badly because since yesterday, you've changed. Tremendously changed. I no longer feel the sense of security in you. i don't even feel like i'm your girlfriend.

Everything is a mess.This instant, i find it so difficult to take everything in. Cause yes, i'm no longer strong enough. I feel like a little baby who seems so helpless and totally clueless as to what to do in her life. Waiting for people to carve it out for her. Pathetic isn't it.

My mind is in a whirl. I don't know what more to say. Cause even if i rant a whole lot here, i know thing's doesn't get better.

2010-06-09T11:08:00.002+08:00

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave
feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t winning, and it isn’t
losing. It’s not about pride, and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not
obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or
thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt or sadness. It is
not giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss, and it’s not about
defeat.

To let go is to cherish memories, but to overcome them and move on. It is
having an open mind and confidence in the future. Letting go is accepting. It is
learning, and experiencing, and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the
experiences that made you laugh, mad you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all
that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.

Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep
moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes
be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and
to set yourself free.

Re-blogged from thisisyourrelationship tumblr

2010-06-06T20:07:00.005+08:00

Maybe, i'm just crapping in this post. But don't bother about me. It's just some thoughts in my head right at this moment.

I don’t forgive people because I’m weak. I forgive them because I’m strong enough to understand people make mistakes.

I've come to realised that i tend to be too lenient to people sometimes. In such a way that, i forgive people easily. No, i don't forget what they had done to me, but still i do forgive. Too easily i must say. I guess the main reason was, i don't see the use of hating. Cause to drag the problem further, it will not only hurt others but also myself in the long run. So why bother too much about it if things would only get worst. Right? So most of the time i just turn a deaf ear to things that i don't wish to know and just pretend that everything is fine. But then again, i must admit that it does not in any ways make me feel any better. Pathetically, it doesn't. -.-
I chose to forgive even though i'm hurt. Simply because i've stuck it in my head that, hating will only hurt worst.

Everyone makes mistakes. But at the end of the day, none of that matters. What matters is how you learned from it.

Every normal being will make mistakes. That is just how life is, isn't it? And if you don't, then how would you learn? Cause really, to repent and learn the hard way is the lesson to life. I forgave every single mistakes you've made because i had faith that you would mend your ways and be a better person. And up till how, i still felt that way. And i also forgave you cause i know that i myself do make mistakes. Afterall, nobody is perfect right. And truly deep within me, i'm keeping my hopes alive that you really meant every word you've ever said to me. I really don't want to play any more games. And so i remind myself time and again, you've changed, for the better that is. And i pray hard that my thoughts of you is true.

And honestly, each and every time i found out something that i would never expect from you, my heart skipped a beat and my faith just sank to the bottom. I don't want to have negative thoughts of you. I never want to make everything seems so bad. But i'm helpless. Everything just gets the best of me and thus i find it rather difficult to compose myself. I know lately, the way i act towards you is kind of different. But i'm sorry. After the last incident, i still need time to get my act together. Even if it wasn't you, the news that i received was really a huge impact to me. Just give me time alright. And please, i trust you. So don't make me change my mind again.

I still love you very much, as much as i always had. ❤

2010-05-28T01:28:00.005+08:00

The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths.

Sometimes being in a relationship hurts so much more than you ever expected it would. But yet despite knowing how broken you became, you still held on. Sometimes i could not help but to wonder why is it so hard to let go when we know that maybe that is just the best way out.

People say don’t expect love to be a fairytale.
If only Love stories in movies does exists in real life and happily ever after really do come true. Wouldn't life be so much more easier with all the less complicated things needed to handle. But we all know that most of those movies are irrelevant in such a way that something as beautiful as that only exists in a fiction. Cause face it, we don't get that kind of situation much in real life. Agree? Sometimes, we always imagine how nice things would be with all the positive possibilities of how beautiful things might turn out to be. But then again, it's only our imagination. Snap out of it, and there we are, living our every day life just as it is. Expecting more than we could get.

Some people are easy to get over; they only take a week or two. But sooner or later, you’ll find the one, the one who has changed so much of your life, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t find the words to say goodbye.

You knew that before i was with you, i don't exactly hold on to my relationship when i don't see it going anywhere. If there isn't any hope, i'll let go. Cause truly, i don't see the point of holding on but the relationship gets no where. And in the end, both parties will be at the losing end. Not only would you be wasting time in trying hard, but also wasting your effort and putting your heart at risk. Then why go to all the trouble if you know that at the end of the day, nothing gets better.

However, being with you, there's just something different. True, there are times when i'm really tired of trying anymore and ever thought of giving up. BUT there's just something that keeps pulling me back, back to you. You know i truly love you. I may be harsh in my words, i may get pissed of with you over everything there is to be. But sincerely, you should know that despite all those things i did, deep down there is no one else i would rather love other than you. And i know that regardless of all the hurtful things you said/did to me, i know you never did meant any of it. Most prolly, it was out of anger. I know you love me too. But i'm just very much afraid. Cause when i get paranoid and feels insecure, it's hard for me to shrug off the insecurities in me. You should know that. I'm trying my hardest to get the trust back in you. I'm sorry if i'm being difficult. But it's just as hard for me as it is for you. I hope you'll still stick through it with me. I hope you'll guide me through. And i hope you'll hang on still.

I'm heartily sorry. Love you.

2010-05-11T10:01:00.003+08:00

I'm not complaining or whining. I just wanted to let out some thoughts i had in my mind.

Lately, a lot of things happened between me and Boyfriend. We went through a rough patch that kinda risk our relationship.
And truly, it felt as though our relationship is hanging by a thread with all these obstacles that comes in our way yet at one time or another, it could just break us apart.
And at the end of the day, it either makes us or breaks us. Thankfully, at this point of time, it has yet to break us.

Yesterday was the worst ever. Despite all the emotional breakdown we had yester-night, i felt that we've come to realised how important this relationship was to us. At least to me, i did.
The sad thing was we started off the day together pretty fine yet ended up so bad.
Nevertheless i still love you dearest, truckloads.

The huge argument yesterday made a deep impact in me. And honestly i could never forget what happened.
I did not meant to walk away that way, i was just disappointed. Very much disappointed.
And the next thing i knew, i was walking away when you walked away.
I wasn't in a proper state of mind. My mind was a blank. All i could think of at that point of time was to walk away fast, to somewhere, anywhere.
But at the back of my mind, i was hoping you would chase after me, you would find me, telling me everything was alright.
I wanted to turn back to see whether you were there, right behind me. But i was just too emotional to have any proper thoughts then. So i just walked alone with my face wet all over with tears. People walking and staring. Still, i could not control myself.
I'm sorry for rejecting your calls.
I'm sorry for keeping mum when you asked me, "Where are you?"
I'm sorry for making you that much worried.
I'm sorry for breaking down that bad.
I'm sorry that because of me, you tried hurting yourself.
I'm sorry that our day had to ended up with that much of emotions.
I'm sorry. For everything.

When you talked to me while i was crying badly, i wanted to hug you real tight.
When you constantly wipe away my tears, i wished i had stop crying so that you wouldn't have have to check on my tears.
When you hugged me, i didn't want to let go.
When you tried hurting yourself, i was worried sick. And when you wanted to hide your hands from me, i just broke down badly. Cause i didn't blame you. But i blamed myself.

Yesterday was the worst fight we ever had, yet it was also the one that affected us the most.
I'm sorry. I know you love me. And i sincerely loved you too.

I still remembered your words yesterday.
You told me i had been a excellent girlfriend.
You told me that no one else could ever replace me.
You told me that you never want anyone else.
You told me that if you don't have me, then it isn't worth living.
You sing praises to me like as though i'm your most ideal girlfriend and you wouldn't ask for anything more.
But my dear, i'm not an excellent girlfriend, i just try to give my bestest for your sake, only you, no other guys.
And if ever, anything happen between us, don't do anything stupid. You promised remember?
All i ever wanted is for you to be happy even if it meant i had to sacrifice my own to see you smile. I know at times i seem to treat you cold, and it seems like i didn't bother about you. But truly, i said hurtful things so that the arguments stops there. So that i don't hurt you deeper.

You had been an amazing guy.
You hurt me, you made me cry, you made me angry, you pissed me off, you disappoint me, you made me laugh, you made me smile, you irritated me.
But still all those things you did, be it good or bad, it made us into what we are now.
This far, this strong, this long.
And honestly, from the bottom of my tiny heart, i had NEVER regretted knowing or having you in my life.
Up till now, you had been my best. And you still are.
I appreciated every little things you had ever done for me, truly.
And i thank you for everything.
Remember when you put our ring in my hands, and told me i deserved the ring but you don't.
Well, you're wrong sweetheart. True, at times you're hard to please. But you deserve my love. No one else, just you. remember you told me how our rings looks good when it's together instead of just one.I had been patience with you a lot. But i know you had been with me too. I know i'm hard to please as well and you did try your best.
I'm sorry again. And thankyou.
And please love, don't walk away from me ever again.
I Love You.

2010-05-05T10:41:00.004+08:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and changing a soul. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead… and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. So you plant your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and that you really do have worth… and with every goodbye, you learn.

2010-05-05T10:41:00.002+08:00

Each time i said that nothing is bothering me and that i'm alright, i'm actually not. Yes, i'm lying. I faked a smile to the whole world yet i could never fake how i really feel deep inside. It's so much more easier to see than to feel. The past few days had been rather tormenting to my heart cause every night i never failed to cry myself to sleep. I never actually expected that things would turn out this bad. Cause i thought it'll get better. But it didn't. The conversation we had yesterday left me crying my heart outs. And those words you said to me yesterday pierced through my heart badly. I'm hurt so bad, and i'm sure you would say you're hurt too. The reason i stayed mute, the reason i didn't answered your questions, the reason i didn't want to talk was the fact that my heart was breaking real bad and i wasn't in the state to communicate. I was literally torn apart. I was silent, i was sobbing, but you would only know how much tears i shed if you were physically there with me.

I thought the best solution out for us now was to have a time out. Cause it seems like we really needed it, we need a break away from each other. Sometimes you make me hate you, for loving you too much and for making me a weakling. Cause whenever i'm with you, i could never be strong enough. Time and again, i tried being as strong as i could be, with or without you, but i failed. I constantly need you by my side. But when things gets this much complicated and this hard, i just don't have enough strength to go on. I wished you had taken back your words yesterday. I wish you were right beside me, telling me everything is going to be fine. Giving me an hug and just let me cry my heart out. But everything i hoped for is just a dream, it's not reality. Sometimes i just wish that i could just have a long sleep and not bother about what reality might bring in for me. Yes, lately i had been running away from things a lot. I'm a coward i know. But i just couldn't be strong enough. I'm sorry.

2010-05-04T11:55:00.002+08:00

I like to remember everything. As it was. Because moments by themselves aren’t enough; they’re just like photographs. They move a little, they wave, but they aren’t everything. You can look back on a moment and say ‘In that moment I was happy’ or, more often than not, ‘In that moment I was uncomfortable’ or ‘In that moment I was sad’ or ‘In that moment we were all berks’ but you can look back on everything and you think, ‘That was good.’ Because when all the moments come together, when all the songs meet up with one another, you get something whole and complete and wonderful, people you loved and people you hated and a fondness for them you may not be able to recapture but everything you remember about them being somehow more than they really were, because that’s what remembering everything does.

2010-05-04T11:55:00.000+08:00

One day you’re going to want that girl. That girl who knew she wasn’t perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. The girl who believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths, that girl who still can’t bring herself to hate you, even though sometimes you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else has ever appreciated. The girl who realizes she may never have your heart, but will carry the image of you in hers forever. The girl who should have you, but doesn’t even though she deserves it.

And i want to be that girl for you.

2010-05-03T14:13:00.006+08:00

Love is like tug of war - it hurts so bad to hold on, but for some odd reason, you just can’t seem to let go.

I would only be lying, if i were to say i'm perfectly fine. Cause I'm sure that you know even when i said i am, i'm truly not. It's just self denial; i'm denying myself of the truth. In order not to get myself hurt badly. But that isn't how things should be. I would only feel so much more worst. And yes, i'm lying. I'm not alright. I'm torn apart. I'm emotionally affected. We're falling apart, and that's the truth we can't deny. I hated these past few days. I hated our arguments. I hated the fact that i cried every day and night. And i hated the fact that you did cry too. Too many things happen within such a short period of time. I'm always good at being a listening ears to anyone else and giving them advices and all. But i could never advice myself or make myself feel better. If only things were less complicated than it already was. If only things were easy for you to understand. But it isn't cause we've made it this much complicated and we've gotten ourselves tangled up in all these problems we're facing. It's hard, very i would say. And truly, i'm not sure if i am strong enough to handle another blow. I'm uncertain if i'll get through another heartache. I'm broken, too much. And it would never be the same. I want things to get better. I want us to make it better. I'm not asking for much. I just want us to be fine.

2010-05-03T14:13:00.003+08:00

Anyone can easily walk away from somebody else. Nobody is forced to stay; we all have choices. But the real test is if someone would rather stay with you, even though walking away would be so much easier.

You're the best still, and i love you for that.

2010-04-30T14:44:00.003+08:00

I love the fact that now things are starting to change between us, changing for the better i meant.
It's amusing how we could get along pretty fine now with all the little conversations and jokes every now and then that made me curve a smile.
All we ever had to do was to push aside our differences and not be petty over all the little things that happen.
Maybe we looked too much into things back then.
Thus, we always have unavoidable arguments which was literally unnecessary cause it was never a major problem to begin with.

I'm pleased for a fact that now we managed to talk things out rather than walking away from all the problems we're facing.
I know at times, avoidance seems to be my number one choice when i'm emotionally affected. Yet i never realised how you might get affected by my actions as well. And i'm sorry for that.
And vice versa, same goes to you.
At times, your emotions affect me as well. So we're both wrong.
And we should change that about us. We've got to stop being selfish and not only think of ourselves.
Remember your words? About how it should be 'us' now instead of 'me' and 'you'.

Let's make this work. I know we could.
And let's make this love worth fighting for.
I love you truckloads sweetheart, always had always will.
*xoxo*

And you're always in my heart
Always on my mind
When it all
becomes too much
You're never far behind

And there's no one
That
comes close to you
Could ever take your place
Cause only you can
love me this way

2010-04-25T09:36:00.000+08:00

When you asked, “What is Love?”

Love isn’t about the romantic nights or gifts. It isn’t about fireworks going off around you when you have that first real kiss. Love isn’t about kissing in the rain and dancing beneath the stars. It isn’t about the big moments or the big surprises. Love is not a fairytale. Love is about still having the butterflies after years. It’s about the second looks and laying in bed wide awake, all night, because you can’t go to sleep mad at each other. It’s about being willing to sacrifice, literally, everything for someone, just because you care so deeply for them. It’s not about buying them gifts, but it’s about leaving them little presents here and there, just to remind them that you are constantly thinking about them. Love is about all of the little things, that add up to really big things. Love is rare and special, but should not be treated as if it will break. Love needs to be thrown around and beat up a little bit, worn in, but not worn down. Love needs to be a comfortable feeling, a place to go when no one else in the world can relate. A safe place, where you know that no matter how ugly you look or how angry you are, you will still be loved.

- Reblogged from Annie Izzwanie's Tumblr

2010-04-22T17:09:00.003+08:00

And that is the reason why i kept quiet all these while.
That is why i rather not say a single word.
And that is why communicating seems so much more harder.

I know you're curious as to what he would have said.
I know you badly want to know his answer.
I know it disappoints you, knowing that i have yet to ask the question that you had been waiting so much to get an answer from him.
But it's not as easy as it seems for me.
I know you care but it just leaves you curious to know the outcome.
But Love, I'm just not ready yet.
To come up with a discussion with him. And to get his reactions and all.
I'm not ready for all there is to come.
I'm just not.
I'll eventually ask and you'll eventually get your answer.
Just give me time my dear.
Just be patience.

Im sorry.

2010-04-22T12:13:00.003+08:00

I'm bored, very very much.
So i'll just do a little update to keep myself from doing irrelevant things and wasting my time.

So here goes. Maybe i'll just rant a little about yesterday and then my random thoughts alright.

Yesterday, i had an interview for my Attachment at Creatives over at Jurong.
My Dearest Boyfriend had been such a sweetheart in waking up early in the morning to just keep me company and also to sent me to the Industrial Business Park. Thankyou so much Love. Much appreciated and sorry to distract your beauty sleep.
I was a little bit late though for the interview. And i was definitely nervous much.
Once, i've got into the room the first thing we had was an Aptitude Test. I swear im clueless as to how to answer the questions the only thing i knew is those questions that is based on common sense, the rest about OSM, i don't have a clue about it. -.-
And the interview part, i stammered a lot. But hopefully it was alright. Hopefully i got it though.
And anyway, Daddy had been extra nice lately to me. In a way that, he kept sending me text messages in a form of encouragement and also he had been calling me 'Babygirl' and 'Dear' a lot.
Thankyou Daddy and Boyfriend and Friends for the encouragement and motivation. :D

After the interview i headed back home alone since i told Boyfriend not to wait up for me and also cause he had Prac at 4.
And i was literally lost initially. So i decided to take a back to IMM and then a bus back home.
And half way through at the bus stop, i decided to change to my sandals cause i had blisters and was having difficulty walking. Heh.

It was a tiring day. Sorry that the post is kinda draggy. I don't know what to post on.
And so, i post the it in details. haha.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to agree with your significant other all the time. Sometimes, you have to make your own stand. What is best for yourself. Not being selfish, but just wanting the best for you both. If you disagree with your Boyfriend/Girlfriend, it doesn't mean that you're letting them down. It takes two hands to clap, it takes both party to make a relationship work. If you kept doing things with only one person agreeing to it, whereas the other justs follow suit, how far can a relationship go? To me, i find that everyone has their own level of patience. And you can't always be like a puppet, doing what people order you to do. Sometimes, you just have to say "No" to the things you don't want to do. You don't have to worried about what they might think or what they might do. No, you're not being selfish that way. You just have to think, of a better way out. If "No" is a better choice, then why not. It may not always be a bad decision. You just have to know, which is right and which isn't. I think the best decision to make is to compromise and to accomodate each other's need.

I know that everyone would have their own perspective and definition of what Love would be. Even me myself. The most basic thing anyone would say for sure would be; True love is to have that particular someone to be there for you all the time and to pull you up when you're down. Maybe? Maybe that is how you define your true love would be. But have you ever wonder, if the only one who could pull you up when things are going haywire, the only one who could pick up all the broken pieces and put it back together, the only one to constantly have faith in you and give you strength, is none other than yourself. Have you ever thought about that? I realised that most of us, as we grew up, we go through a rough patch in life, we start to get demoralised, wanting to give up. But then again, even though there were times when we're on the verge of giving up, we didn't. Well, one example is that; even though at times we felt like giving up in our life when we thought that life isn't worth living any longer. We actually prove ourself wrong. Cause look at yourself, you're still alive. Maybe yes, you're struggling with every given obstacles and challenges you had in your life. But you made it through, one step at a time. It's hard. Life could be a living hell for you. But when you thought of how far it had brought you, shouldn't you be proud of yourself? For the strength you had in you. For the motivation you've given to yourself. For pushing yourself to live on and literally you're pushing yourself to be stronger than you ever were. Sometimes, we dont realised all the things we had done for ourself until we give ourself some deep thoughts, when we spare some time for ourself. Im not saying that no one else made the effort to help you get through the difficult part in Life. But i just figured out that the most credit you had to give to, is youself. And then, not forgetting the other people who help you through too.

I think i had been ranting a lot. it;s just my thoughts though. Just something that struck my mind a moment ago and here i am, ranting it all out.

Falling in Love is easy. To remain in Love and stay truthful is the hardest part of it.

2010-04-20T10:40:00.002+08:00

2010-04-20T10:31:00.002+08:00

If he misses you, he’ll call just to hear your voice. If he wants you, he’ll say it. And if he cares, he’ll show it. If he has a thought about you, it will come out of his mouth. If you are on his mind non-stop, he will do anything he can just to see you. If he truly likes you, he won’t let anything get in the way and fight back just to keep you in his arms. If not, he can’t be worth your time because you’re obviously not worth his.

- reblogged from Sexy Shadow's Tumblr

2010-04-19T11:56:00.007+08:00

There’s always a Man enters a Lady’s heart. ♥

The kind that will treat you right. The kind that searches for you with all his heart. The kind that respects you and adores you.

Every girl needs a man who won’t cheat on her. One who can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Because he’s smart enough to know that he already has a girl who has everything that he wants, needs and more.

The right guy will never leave you lonely and wondering. You will always know where you stand with him. He will be your best friend and lover. He’ll call you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night and maybe even tell you a bedtime story to make you laugh or talk to you until you fall asleep.

This guy will be the kind that’ll do anything for you, even if it’s just to go to the store to buy you your favorite ice cream. He’ll buy you flowers just because it’s a Wednesday and will notice your hair when you’ve gotten it cut or have gotten all gussied up specifically for him.

You deserve a guy who will cherish you. He’d never be afraid to smile to his friends when you’re around and tell them, “She’s the one”. He’d appreciate you for the things you do for him, even if they’re little… like the little love notes you leave him.

He’ll be chivalrous. He’ll wait for you when you’re falling behind, open doors for you and will walk you to the door to make sure you get in safely. He would defend and fight for you and never bail on you when you needed him most.

The right guy will call you beautiful instead of hot, he’ll kiss your forehead when you’re down and he’ll be the one who will love you for everything you are.

Never settle for anything less.

-Reblogged from Annie Izzwanie's Tumblr.

=========================================

The past few days hadn't been too good for me.

Shits happened, i get emotionally affected, and my mind wasn't in a proper state to think about anything.

I'm truly thankful to have Love still sticking through everything with me even though it gets tougher for us.

Im thankful that he still doesn't give up on me and still stood by me, being there for me (maybe not physically, but i know he's there to go through every little things with me).

Yesterday, Boyfriend was such a sweetheart. Even though he was really sick, he chose to fetched me from work. I felt really bad though seeing his state, very bad indeed.

While walking our way home, i realised i was holding his hand tight. My eyes was watery, i was on the verge of tearing up.

Seeing the effort he made even though he's sick touched me deep within my heart that i was moved to tears.

At that point of time, i really felt like not wanting to let go of his hands. Cause i was really scared to lose him.

I missed him a whole lot.

And to just hug him tight, it felt like heaven on earth. I wished it would never end. I never want to let go. Cause i love him that much. Too much.

I hope things would get better for us.

To see us making it this far despite all the challenging obstacles we've had, i know that we'll make it through. We'll pull ourselves together and get stronger together.

Thankyou for everything sweetheart.

You're the best for me, always had been and always will be.

I love you alot.

And get well soon dearest.

2010-04-17T17:17:00.000+08:00

For the first time. You've just shown me that you're not a good mother.
Thanks alot uh eh.

Hoping for a change.

2010-04-17T16:16:00.004+08:00

I've done all the chores that was suppose to be done.
And i actually wanted to go on a date with Love for our 11th monthsary celebration. Just the two of us.
Sadly, someone just has to ruin it. I ~~hate~~ you.

After asking her NICELY umpteen times, i got tired of asking.
Cause the more i ask her NICELY, her fcuked up attitude would just be pissing me off.
So i headed off to my room, lied on the bed, looked up the ceiling and began thinking deeply.
Then i started crying, silently.
Not making any sound, but tears was constantly running down my cheek.
And i started having many thoughts running through my mind.

You never did cherish me for every little thing i ever did for you.
You're always taking me for granted. And one day, when I'm no longer around, I'm pretty sure you're going to regret not appreciating my presence.
You always think so highly of yourself. Like as though everything revolves around you.
When people praises me, you always looks down on me. I'm that bad in your eyes when the truth is, the others are far more worst than me.
Is that how a mother should be? Stop thinking that you had succeeded in raising me up to the person i am today. Truthfully, i think that you're a failure.
I'm not looking down on you. But you made me feel that way. You prove me that way.

Each time, when people around me ask how many siblings i have and stuff.
And when i said I'm the only daughter and the eldest. They would start assuming that i would be the most pampered. The one that would be the most doted on by you and Dad.
I wished they were right. But each time they say it that way, my expression changed.
And there would be this tugged in my heart cause i know that what they say isn't true and how much i hoped it was.

I don't understand why am i treated this way.
I know I'm not mistreated in a way that I'm being constantly abused or something.
But I'm emotionally tortured by you and Dad, mostly you.
You always said that you wanted another daughter instead of a son. But you can't even take a proper care of me, your only daughter.

People could sense the difference in the way you treated me and my brothers.
Remember Cik Yani once said to me in front of you, "Ibu dengan kau tak habishabis nak berbual kasar, kalau dengan adik lembut je."
And i think most prolly, you knew that not only Cik Yani thinks that way, but even your other sisters.

You're not getting any younger you know.
When are you going to change?
Every night, before going to bed, i prayed to keep this family safe and to open your heart to change. You never knew all this little things i did. Cause you never did bother and i never did show.
I'm not the type of person to boast about everything i did. I'd rather keep every little sacrifices i made to myself.

I felt envious towards other girls who could and would share everything under the sun with their mother.
I felt upset and rather disappointed seeing other people having that Mother-Daughter bonding and being able to get along well with each other.
I'm jealous of all those other girls who could have a nice talk, a day out, just spending good times with their mother.
I envy those girls who would turn to their mother when something isn't right and their mother would giving them advices and cheering them up.
I wished we could too. I wished things would changed. I wished you would realised.
But all of that is just 'I wished'. Nothing more.

There's so much more i wished i could say, but i just can't find a way to express it.
I wished you would read this post.
But honestly, i don't see the point of it.
Cause i knew how you would react even before letting you.
In the end, everything goes back to me. You would blame me. Find my fault. And i would only be feeling so much worst.

I hope one day, i would have enough courage to speak out my mind and stand for myself.
For now, i'll just stay mute. I don't want to be 'rude'.

Astagfirullah.
Dear god, forgive me for my sins.

Assalamualaikum.

2010-04-16T11:29:00.003+08:00

Pencil : You know, I'm really sorry.

Eraser : For what? You didn't do anything wrong.

Pencil : I'm sorry, cause you get hurt because of me. Whenever I make a mistake, you're always there to erase it. But as you make my mistakes vanish, you lose a part of yourself. You get smaller and smaller every time.

Eraser : That's true, but I don't mind really. You see, I was made to do this. I was made to help you whenever you do something wrong. Even though, one of these days, I know I'll be gone and you have to replace me with a new one, I'm actually happy with my job. So please, stop worrying. I hate seeing you sad. (:

- ( LE-TANG.TUMBLR)

Reblogged from TeeraSmally's blog.

2010-04-16T10:39:00.003+08:00

Today is 16th April.
Marks the day a young teenage girl turned into a young lady.
Turning a year older than the previous year, and learning so much from her 20th years of experiences in her Life.

She had always been someone very dear to me.
Cause she had always been there constantly. Even if she's not physically there, i know she still cares and she do get worried over me.

This year should have been around 3 years since the first time we've known each other.
The first time was my first working experience at Pizza Hut at BP Greenridge.
Initially i thought this particular girl was a snob cause she had this stuck up look. Haha!
But she definitely is not. She was the one i trusted the most working there. The only one i must say.
All the other girls tend to be such an hypocrite cause of jealousy. But as for her, i trust her very much.
She had always been like an elder sister i had never had.
She always treat me like i'm her younger sister.
She always pampered me in a way that i feel like having her around was a bless.
She constantly put a smile on my face. Having her around me, i never fail to smile.
She had been a sweetheart to me. The greatest ever.
I don't exactly have many girl bestfriend. But im glad that i had her as one.

I love you so much dearest sweetheart.
Thanks for being such a good 'sister' to me.

Last but not least.
Happy Birthday to you, Idah Marissa.
May you be blessed always and succeed in your future endeavors.
Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki.
Iza sayang bangat sama Idah.

Have an enjoyable celebration.
We'll meet up soon alright love.
*xoxo*

Less than 24 hours to 17th April.
Our 11th Monthsary.
No matter what, i love you still.
As much as before.

2010-04-15T16:29:00.004+08:00

Met you. Got to know you. Fell in love with you. Simple. ♥

You always asked me why i fell for you.
The reason is as simple as that.
You don't need a thousand of reasons to prove your love to someone.
You know you do just by the way you act and treat them. By the way how they make you feels different then all the rest.
I love you very much, no specific words/reasons would describe why.

Love will cause you hurt, but at the same time, can give you so
much. So, once you do find it, embrace it and don't think of all the
bad things that can come of love. Remember what great things it has
given you, for that is far more worthy of your thoughts and time.

I built up a wall, not to block everybody out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it.

You asked me what if you could not climb over the wall i build but someone else could.
You should have faith in yourself.
If you believe that you could do it, eventually you will make it.
You succeed through failures.
Success does not appear just by itself. There needs to be effort and hard work being done.

Im caught between my thoughts and my feelings.
I know that i wanted it so much, to last long with you. To make it through, thick and thin.
But truly, I'm tired of all the heartaches.
You're sorry. I know.
But sorry doesn't make me feel any better or make situation less worst.
I'm on the verge of giving up.
Sometimes we tried so hard to mend a broken heart and in the end things just gets so much more worst. We'll end up getting ourselves hurt.
I don't want to hurt you, but i don't want to get myself hurt either.
True enough, everyone makes mistake.
Even me, i don't deny it.
But when u made a mistake, i forgave and you promised me not to repeat that mistake again but in the end you unintentionally back against your promises. It left me disappointed. Very much i must say.

What's on my mind is 'what if'. Too many what if.

What if we held on longer in the end things doesn't work out?
What if we try so hard to make things better but it only got worst?
What if you hurt me again?
What if you vent your anger on me again?
What if you say hurtful things again?
What if the next time im hurt, i'm not going to hang on anymore?
What if you broke your promises again?
You know i love you, but why did you have to hurt me so much?
Why do you have to be so egoistic?
I'm sorry if i said anything wrong. But i'm so much hurt right now.
I really don't know what to do.
What should i do?
)':

2010-04-15T10:01:00.002+08:00

Let's just do a quick update alright.

Yesterday, met Love and he accompanied me to sent my Handphone for servicing.
i felt bad though cause i feel like i troubled him a lot.
What's worst was that we went to the service centre at Bishan and they said that my extended warranty can only be used at Jurong Point's outlet or Wisma. I know Boyfriend was kinda pissed off. Im sorry Love, i didnt know.
So we headed off to Jurong Point after my dearest Boyfriend had his late lunch.
And the woman who attended to us said that i cannot repair my Handpone. -.-
Before this i used to have the exact same problem with my handphone and they still repaired it. And now this woman said i can't cause it was in contact with water and don't know what thing corroded. -.-
The only problem with my handphone is the buttons and the calling thing.
I was really pissed off. I extended my warranty for $40+ and then now i can't even repair my handphone. Ass.
Forget about that.

Thankfully, Boyfriend let me borrow his spare phone. Thankyou.

Anyways, yesterday i hadn't been having a good sleep.
I had trouble sleeping.
I kept waking up every now and then and i was having a massive headache.
Maybe i'm just thinking too much.
I should stop thinking. -.-

2010-04-13T16:24:00.007+08:00

The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to decide who's worth the pain.

Yet another mundane day in school. The only difference is that today there's year 1 students visiting our Lab. And it made me feel rather awkward.
Like Ummai and Victor said, "They made us feel like we're monkeys cooped up in a cage." These monkeys are a little special, they're cooped up in an air con room instead. (:
Haha. Im the only exception alright, a sane human. (:

And oh, my handphone just died on me earlier on while i was talking on the phone with Boyfriend.
Luckily, Ummai was such a sweetheart in letting me borrow her handphone. Thankyou! :D
And today, i wasn't feeling too good. Upset stomach and i kept feeling like vomiting. Not much appetite. Lately, i hadn't been eating much. Cause i hadn't been having much of an appetite.
Boo much!
Hopefully, it's not stomach flu. Cause i once had it before and it was such a torture i tell you. -.-

I need to send my handphone for service soon. Maybe i shall go tomorrow. And maybe my boyfriend is going to accompany me. *hoping hard he would* I miss him you know. Heh.

Lately, things had been like a roller coaster ride for both of us. Things had been pretty tough for us.
One moment we're fine and the next, things just gets out of hand.
Nevertheless, we managed to pull it through. Thankfully.
I really hope we could settle our differences and put it aside.
Like you said my dear, there's no 'you' or 'me' now. There's just 'us'.
I believe we'll make it through. Hopefully.
I love you still. As much as before. Actually no, not as much as before but much more than before. Heh. Always had, always will.
I love you my hippo truckloads.

I'll ignore every one of them because i only want you. ❤

The previous day, i had a conversation with my DearestTeeraSmallyDarling. It had been some time since we last chatted. And suddenly she gave me a couple of quotes.

She said this remind her of me.
"Her cheeks are fully stained with tears, but at least her head is still held up high."

And i was feeling down that day. Somehow, she knew and she relate how i felt to this. ( I couldn't express myself. But somehow she knew how to relate to me. Amazingly, the quotes she gave is how i literally felt at that point of time.)
"They say I’m such a strong person. But when no one’s looking, I break down just like everyone else. I only pretend to be strong for you."

Bytheway, i cut my hair again cause my hair is spoilt and very dry. So i had to get an haircut.
But it's shorter than i expected.
Ok , i know im exaggerating a lil bit. My hair isn't that short. But i love my long hair.
And i miss it already. grr!
Dear hair, please grow faster. (:

Till here then.
I'll blog again some other time.
Takecare lovelies.
*xoxo*

Assalamualaikum.

2010-04-09T09:43:00.006+08:00

Just a random update cause suddenly i just felt like blogging.

I know i had been rather emotional lately.
And i thank you guys who was worried over me, for your concern. And sorry too for being much of a nuisance.

And mostly, I'm sorry to you Love.
I'm sorry if i ever made things hard for you.
I'm sorry for all the tears we both shed during our late night calls.
I'm sorry that sometimes i kept quiet when you called. I could not speak up when I'm crying cause i would break down worst. I know you were disappointed on the other line. And I'm truly sorry.
I'm sorry that because of me, people had to ask you what's wrong. Leaving you guilty. Im sorry.
I'm sorry for not sharing, i just don't want to get you worried over me.
I'm sorry if it seems like i don't bother about you. I sincerely care for you, a lot.
I'm sorry that i don't usually express how i really feel to you, cause I'm not good at expressing myself.
I'm sorry for all the times i made you feel like you were never good enough. You were the best.
Always had been and always will be.

No one else would take care of me the way you did, i know.
But i still miss those times when we used to be so much more closer than this.
I miss your undying attention. I miss your devotion. I miss you xoxo. I miss talking to you. I miss laughing with you. I miss us teasing each other. I miss almost everything about you.
I love you much sweetheart.
And once again, im sorry.

Lately, i've been trying to fight whatever's pulling us under. It's got a hold and really making me wonder, what it takes to get through. I gotta stick with you, my baby.

8 more days.
(:

2010-04-08T14:24:00.003+08:00

Have you ever been in a situation whereby you are really trying your best at something but things doesn't seem to get any better?
Have you ever had this kind of emotions in you all jumbled up deep within you but you don't exactly know what you are feeling?
Have you ever felt like wanting to let out what you feel inside but somehow you just can't expressed yourself.

Im trying so hard to get a grip of myself. Im trying so hard not to breakdown.
I hate sitting behind this four walls, in a quiet room.
Cause it makes my imagination run wild, it makes me go into deep thoughts, into a world of my own.
Why does pretending seems to be so much more difficult now.
I always pretend to be ok even when im not. It has always been a part of me, a part of my life.
I pretend to be ok in order not to make others worried. So, many would have thought that i am a happy kid growing up.
But behind these smiles lies thousands of unspoken words left unsaid.
Now, i breakdown at almost every heartache.
I cried at almost everything that made me upset.
Yes, im much more fragile now.
I get hurt easily, i get upset easily.
And even this instance, i am crying. Silently.
Im trying my best to not let these tears drop.
Im not ok. Im very much not.
But like i said, i can't express myself.
My heart is aching.
I dont know why.
Im just not ok.

I miss the used to be.
I miss our used to be.
I miss the old us.
I miss the times spent with you.
I miss those times when we were so much more closer than this.
I miss you.

I took a look at myself and said I was going nowhere holding on, but then I looked into your eyes and saw you smile, and my heart just felt those feelings like the first time it did, all over again. It was all worth fighting for.

2010-04-08T11:38:00.004+08:00

Finally, i decided to un-privatized my blog.
But i could be rather fickle-minded at times.
So i could just decide to privatized it back again. Heh.

I have nothing in particular to blog about.
Besides im in school, behind this four walls doing almost nothing and feeling so mundane.
So basically, i have nothing interesting to update about.

And oh, finally i had submitted my resume for attachment and also seen my results.
It wasn't exactly that good. But at least i managed to pass.
Even so, parents still nagged about it. -.-
Cause i gotten 3 B, 1 B+, 1 C, 1 C+ and 2 D+. And they nag cause i have no As. -.-

Im like blogging about all the irrelevant stuff just for the sake of updating and mainly cause im bored. -.-

I think i shall just update another time when i have something interesting to blog about.

And im going to change my background of my blogskin soon. when i've got the time to.
Step busy jeq saya. Heh.
Just feel lazy to find a new one.
Till here then.

Toodles sweethearts.
*xoxo*
Assalamualaikum.

2010-03-28T22:48:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling rather 'not ok' right now.
If you were to ask me what exactly is it about, i could never give you an answer cause i myself am unsure.
There's just this annoying sinking feeling deep within me but i could not find an explanation as to why am i feeling this way. One thing's for sure. This feeling sucks.
I feel like life isn't at it's greatest for me right now.
I know i kept whining and complaining about how pathetic my life is instead of being thankful.
I am thankful that i have a life.
But when things seems to affect me emotionally, I'm just not strong enough to overcome it all.
Gosh, my eyes is starting to tear when I'm updating this blog of mine.
Lately, i only update this blog when something is bothering me and when im down.
So I'm sure you know the current mood that I'm having.

Family hasn't been pleasing me lately. Actually they never did most of the time.
Friends, i feel like I'm close to having none.
And love, things just isn't the same.

I couldn't find the significance of my life right now. The significance of my presence in everyone Else's life. I'm pretty much assured that with or without me around, it wont make any difference. Not to anyone. And honestly, i don't feel important to anyone. Telling me i am doesn't make me feel any better.
It seems pointless. Living each and everyday with a daily routine.
I felt almost like a puppet. Being controlled by another and not having the freedom to have my own decision in my life.
Too much emotions in me yet i could hardly find the words to express myself.
I hate this feeling. I hate being alone. I hate having no one around to be there for me.
I know some people tried. But i don't know.

FML.

2010-03-24T14:05:00.008+08:00

Im feeling very mundane right now. And so i had this sudden urge to blog about some random thoughts that is stuck in my head.

Somehow we always say the least to those we love eternally and hope our thoughts will be understood although they are unexpressed.

I know this might sound cliche.
Sometimes i say things i don't mean, not because I'm not sincere enough about anything i had ever said to you.
But plainly because i don't want to get you hurt with the things i had to say or even to get you the least worried over me.
I get upset over little things about you.
Simply cause i care.
Too much maybe.
At those times, you made me feel like as thought that's a bad thing.
On the other hand, you expect me not to get those concerns over you to subside.
Even you yourself are uncertain as to what you exactly want or expect from me.
The truth is, things between us was never complicated.
But we both made it seem too complex to be understood well enough.

I had never felt this way for anyone. And i really meant never.
Not even the ones who left a deep impact in my life with their presence.
I had never given this much hope and faith in someone, even with this uncertainty etch deep within me.
Your presence, more or less, did changed me.
Into someone i never was.
Maybe you never did saw those changes i made.
But i did felt the changes in me.
I trust you enough, to give you my heart. Cause i had faith in you, to be responsible in taking good care of it.
Even after all those unexpected but dealt with incidents and obstacles that you've put me through.
I could never gave up on you even when at times that seems like the only solution that we had.
I love you, too much indeed.

Nevertheless, I could not help but to have this curiosity of how important am i in your life.
I know i had been asking this over and over again a million times.
But i still could not get the assurance i needed.
I really don't know.
Sometimes, i told myself not to show too much concern in a way that might be annoying to you.
Cause I'm afraid that i would be too clingy to you and you would get tired of that.
I'm scared my dear, I'm very scared. To lose you.
Cause you meant so much more to me than you ever realised.
I guess im being selfish. For wanting to have your attention every now and then all to myself.
Is that wrong of me?
):

And Love, this post was never meant to make you feel down.
It's just my thoughts that i wanted to let out.
If in any ways it upsets you, I'm truly sorry dearest.
I ❤ YOU.

2010-03-18T15:27:00.002+08:00

Im tired of all these.
Over and over again.

2010-03-18T15:27:00.001+08:00

A friend said to me.

Din is the luckiest guy to have you.
And i am very happy that at least, someone is taking care and showering you with love that you deserve.

Someone else sees my happiness with you.
And i hope you do too.
Im lucky to have you.
And i hope you realised my worth too.

2010-03-12T20:48:00.002+08:00

A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you yourself.

Sometimes you make me hate you for the things you said.
But you made me hate myself more.
I tried. I really did. Too hard maybe.
But sometimes i just can't help but to ask, am i just plain dumb and naive?
Or am i just a fool at Love?
I hate myself. For being a victim of Love. Each and every time.
For always being a weakling when it comes to Love, never strong enough.
I hate that i always give in. Not being able to be 'tough' enough with guys.

Why cant us humans just be thankful with what we had.
When i do something, you dislike it.
When i never did, you dislike it too.
Then what am i suppose to do.

I feel very upset today.
So damn fcuking upset.
So dont talk to me. Everyone. Not even you.
Im just not in a good mood.
I need to be alone. To compose myself.
Cause i know i cant count on you.
I only have myself, no one else. And that's true.

2010-03-12T20:03:00.002+08:00

My heart is literally breaking.
Somehow, i just feel like breaking down badly.
No, im not ok.
Im pretty much not ok.
I feel upset. Very upset.
No proper words could describe how im feeling.
Im just not ok. Even when i said i am, im lying. To make you feel better.
Deep down it doesn't makeme feel any better.
Argh! FML.
Im out.

One of those days. When talking seems much more tiring than not. And so i rather just keep quiet.

2010-03-08T21:49:00.002+08:00

If it's just another white lie you made, i would very much be disappointed.

My heart breaks like a glass shattered into pieces once it hit the ground. The truth hurts, but a lie is worst. So much more worst.

You kept lying to me, over and over again. Tell me, how am i suppose to trust you then?
You never did gave me the assurance i really needed from you.
Maybe you might be thinking that it was just a small white lie, to save your butt from an argument with me and also for me not to be heartbroken.
But did you ever realized that each and every time that i found out that you lied to me, i felt so much more heartbroken and disappointed in you.
Finding out the truth myself just stabbed me right in the heart, piercing it through a gazillion time more hurtful.
Then, the trust that i was building up in you just collapsed in an instance.
Tell ne, HOW can i trust you?
Sometimes i wondered to myself. I kept asking myself.
Am i being too lenient to you or am i just naive enough to take your words in.
I did not literally took your words 100%. But maybe i was just that stupid to believe. Maybe?
You had me believing in yours lies more than i could ever imagined. I am that stupid.
Knowing that it might have been a lie but still chosing to believe it.
What the hell was i thinking.
I loved you too much, not wanting to hurt you. I always did put everything about you before myself. Cause to me, you had always been so much more important than my own life.
But it just made things worst when i gave in to you almost all the time.
Don't deny it, it's true that most of the time. i was never hard on you.
I never did yell at you. Much less throw vulgarities at you. NEVER.
I had always been soft on you. You knew that.
But tell me, why do you keep lying to me when you said you said that you never want to hurt me any longer.
You knew what i hated the most was you lying.
It just made my fear grew deeper.
Don't blame me for treating you cold.
Cause you, made me this way.

All i ever needed was the truth from you.
You never did had to lie.
Cause once you lie, i get much more paranoid then i already was.

I don't know if it is still worth holding on.
But whatever it is.
Thankyou.

Sometimes, it seems like you're taking me for granted.
I guess now, you had just proven to me.
How important i was in your life.
The truth is, i think i never was.

2010-02-25T22:37:00.002+08:00

I actually thought of posting something yesterday.
But i decided not to in the end, so i saved it in draft instead.
I think I'm going to delete it off later on.

I don't have anything in particular to blog about.
But i just felt mundane.

Looking at all those others that i've known, it seems like at this point of time, everyone is falling in and out of Love. Too easily i must say.
Seeing the way they communicate with each other, i thought that they would go far.
Cause it seems like they communicate pretty well with one another.
But unexpectedly, in an instance everything just ended.

I wonder how far will my relationship go.

No matter how much we tried denying it, everything just isn't the same as before.
We knew that.
I noticed that, im sure you do too.
We'll just see.

Im lazy to post anything more.
Let's just end it here.

2010-02-22T13:09:00.005+08:00

Living through the hard times just makes you that much stronger.

I don't know why i am feeling this way right now.
Neither do i have a clue to what i am feeling.
It like i can't even describe this thing i had in me.
But it bugs me a lot though.
I wish i could let it out to someone.
But the problem is, i don't even know how to say it out or how to explain it.

I smiled through the hurt, laughed through the pain.
Pretending nothing is bothering me and nothing is wrong.
But deep down, it's as though everything seems wrong and nothing seems right.
It's so much harder to be strong when you know you are not.
Only i know how it feels trying to be this much stronger.

At this point of time, i really need someone by my side.
And i literally mean someone who would be there for me 24/7.
Checking up on me every now and then.
Not wanting me to feel neglected, not even for a mere second.
Am i being too demanding?
I used to have a good friend who used to do that.
But sadly, our friendship just couldn't last that long.
No, im not making any comparison of anyone.
Im just... Let's put it in a way that im just reminiscing.
On those nearly seems to be perfect moments that just didn't make it to my future.

I just cant help but to think that, i felt much more of a loner now than ever.
I really have no one to turn to.
It used to be so much easier before.
This anxiety in me is killing me. Really.
Am i just paranoid. Or am i just worrying too much.

I dont even know what the hell im typing.
I just typed out what i had in mind, but actually my mind is blank.
Im crapping. I better stop it here.

Someone text me please, im bored that no one is texting me. Not even you.
Hmm, im blogging asking anyone to text me like as though anyone is reading my private blog. -.-
Pathetic much syasya. -.-

I think i'll sign up for twitter.
So that i could jot down my thoughts every now and then.
It seems easier.
I shall try it out.

2010-02-21T21:08:00.004+08:00

Lately, my post sounds rather depressing.
True enough, i had been feeling rather depressed lately.
Plenty of things is occupying my mind.
I kept feeling like wanting to cry especially when im all alone.
Grr! I hate these feeling in me.
Right at this point of time, im feeling very lonely.
Like as though i have no one to turn to.

Im feeling heavyhearted.
But i cant seem to get it off my chest.

I dont feel like saying much.
Goodnight.

Heartfelt.

2010-02-18T23:32:00.005+08:00

I'm feeling very tired from work.
And right now i'm not feeling too good, physically and emotionally.
I'm forcing myself to post an entry cause i just felt like doing so.
I don't know where else to vent everything at.
This is the only place i could think of.

Life had always been an emotional ride for me.
I know my life isn't the worst of the worst. Some people is going through situations that is much more disheartening than the state i am in, i know.
But im not as strong as i once was before. I thought i was and i thought i could be.
But the truth is, im getting weaker as days goes by.
Maybe i could lie to everyone else.
Maybe they might be convinced with the smile i plastered to my face.
But deep down, i could never lie to myself.
Pretending to be strong just makes me weaker.

Everyone else said they understand.
But truely, i doubt they did.

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu yang memikul.

Recalling back how i had spent 18plus years of my life, i realised that i cried more than i laughed and smile.
Personally, i think i had changed a lot.
I had been a very patience person with almost everyone.
But now, i feel as though im running out of patience to overcome all these obstacles i had in my life.
I know that God gave us obstacles cause he believed that we are strong enough to overcome it.
To find solutions to solve those problems.
And He gave us all these obstacles in life cause He loves us.

I tried so hard, to hold on. To never give up.
Im not giving up, but i just don't know for how long more can i withstand everything.
Im tired. Im very tired.
I want to please everyone else, but im tired of getting myself hurt.
Im tired of making sacrifices but no really sees it.

Ya Allah, kuatkan diriku ini dan tabahkan semangatku untuk menempuhi segala cabaran dan dugaan yang engkau berikan.

Almost every night, i pray for those people close to my heart.
Cause i want the best for them.

2010-02-14T12:30:00.005+08:00

The past few days i had been feeling rather down.
Maybe mainly it was because i miss Dearest alot, too much indeed.
Almost everything i did, im reminded of him.
And i kept feeling like wanting to cry every time i remembered him.

I waited for your text, hoping that you would text me something after that first day u text me.
But u only did text/call me on the first day. Yet i didnt receive any call/text the next day.
Do you know i was worried sick, wondering how you're doing. ):
I MISS YOU ALOT!!!!!!!!
Come back soon pretty please, safely that is.

It's valentine's day today. Yet i cant spent it with Love. Boohoo~
I bought something for him.
Hope he likes it. *hoping real hard*
I find it rather cute. Although it's nothing expensive.

Im feeling very sad now.
Bye.

2010-02-11T15:35:00.002+08:00

It's disheartening.
When it seems like the person who always pissed you off is me.
And the one to put a smile on your face isn't me.

Walking away in order not to make things worst seems like the only solution.

2010-02-10T17:42:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i just wish that i would be bold enough to stand up for my rights.
I wish i wasn't being such a coward.
I wish i wasn't being hopeless.
I wish they would understand.
I wish they would treat me much more better.
I deserve better than this.
I feel so and i know so.
This just isn't good enough.
I had never been not filial.
I think i had been a good daughter.
I don't want to be taken for granted.
I don't want to feel this way.
I'm no longer a kid.
I'm all grown up.
I need my space, i need my freedom.
I know they are concern. But I'm old enough to take good care of myself.

Dear god, please make them realized.
Knock some sense into them.
I pray hard that one day, they will eventually change.
I really hope so.

2010-02-10T09:24:00.003+08:00

I cried myself to sleep last night and felt disappointed this morning when i didn't even receive a single reply from you.

Life isn't always a smooth journey.
Neither is love, it isn't always a garden full of roses.
I've always knew that.
But my life seems to be made of too many bad memories.
Nevertheless, it made me into a stronger person. I guess?
Or at least it used to.
And now im just not as strong as i used to be.
Why must i bother so much about others only to get myself hurt in return.
Im not perfect, no one is.
Not even you. But i learned to love an imperfect person perfectly.
When things get overbearing for me, where do i go from here?
It seems like there is too much bottled up in me, but i just cant find the right words to expressed it.
I made a mistake. Worst still, you took it the wrong way.
But u made mistakes too. That's just human.
I've overlooked your mistake that hurts me more than what i did to you.
So why cant you just let it go.

Im at the end of my wits.
I dont know what more to do or say.
Everything is my fault.
It has always been that way, to everyone.
If committing suicide isnt a sin, i pretty much would have done so a long time ago.
True enough it wont solve anything. But nevertheless, it seems easier that way.
Besides, it seem like nobody need me around anymore.
My presence is no longer important for anyone.

2010-02-03T17:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i can't help but to wonder to myself.
Am i naive or am i gullible to just take others word easily.
Or maybe im just dumb enough to trust others way to easily.

Right at this point of time, i just don't know who to trust.
Those people whom i thought i could trust turns out to be two-faced hypocrites.
At one point of time, they seems to be really good friends and treated me real good.
And the next moment, they made a conversations among themselves, badmouthing me.
Unexpected to get that from those 'friends'.
Hypocrites. (:
If you want to play games with me, then let's play.
Don't worry.
It won't break me.
And even if it did. It won't be for long, trust me.
Now i realised that i could trust no one.
Like a friend said, the best thing is to trust yourself.

Situations sometimes gets the best of me.
And somehow it made me lose faith in myself. ):
I know that shouldn't be the way. But i cant help it.
I need to change my perceptions on myself.
I need to stop thinking negatively on myself.
It seems like the older i get, the more pessimistic i became. -.-
I need to change that.
True, we could never change what others might think of us cause everyone has their own perspective.
But isn't it unfair for others whom you thought were your friends to judge you in that manner.
Moreover, you don't even know the real situation and then you make your own judgment on me.
Im tired of always being the victim of situation.
Im tired of trying so hard to please everyone else but never myself.
What's the point of me sacrificing my own happiness if others just don't see the effort i made.
Im tired of being taken for granted.

So listen, this is my life.
I decide how my life goes. Not you.
So stop trying to arrange my life and do it your way.

I feel like there's plenty more to say.
But i just can't find the right words to expressed it.
I will blog again when i feel like it. (:

2010-01-27T19:08:00.001+08:00

Lately, i feel numb. i feel this triggering heartache deep within me. but i just cant cry it out. Even though i know i wanted to.
The past few days. I pretty much feel like crying. I will start to tear up, but i wont be crying. A part of me is holding back, trying hard not to cry. But it hurts more than i expected.

2010-01-26T11:56:00.000+08:00

Sometimes it just gets harder when you try to make situations better but it all backfired and just gets worst.

Im trying to make things better. Really. But it's just too hard.
Im sorry.

2010-01-17T13:48:00.005+08:00

8 Months. ♥

Time flies by so fast.
It feels just like yesterday that we had just gotten to know each other.
8 months, too many things happen in that short period of time.
But thankfully we managed to pull it through.

If you are meant to be together forever, you will survive any obstacle or trouble that comes to you. ❤

Many thought that we won't be able to make it through with all the conflicts we had between ourselves.
But we did.
It was hard, but eventually we pulled ourselves together and made through every obstacles that stands in our way.
I never did understand myself for still staying with you after all the problems we had.
Cause you knew i would never hold onto any of my relationship if i dont see it going anywhere.
In a weird but good way, i did stay. For you.
I guess that explains how much i really do love you.
I know i don't exactly show it as you know im not good at expressing my emotions.
But sincerely, i do love you a whole lot.

A friend told me,
i am a good lover for the good qualities i had in me, still staying with you despite all the obstacles i had to go through.
Someone else see those little things i did just for you.
I hope you did too.
I want nothing else but the best for you.
And i just want to be the best for you.
I love you dearest.
*xoxo*

2010-01-11T21:59:00.001+08:00

I don't know why today i feel so pissed off with a lot of people.
And they just gets on my nerves.
I didn't talk much to anyone though.
But thanks Haikal and MitchDonkey for trying to cheer me up.
Im going to blog some things in my private blog.
Bye.

2010-01-10T18:51:00.003+08:00

I just feel like updating. But there's nothing much to update on.
I don't know why am i in a mood to blog. -.-
Lately alot of things had been bugging me, but im alot better now i guess.
And i hadn't been having enough rest, thus im feeling very exhausted. Haiya~
And oh , finally meet my smallydarling after school on friday. She waited for me afterwhich she came over my house for a while to meet BabyDani.
And she fell in love with him cause he was just too adorable to resist eyk teera? Heh.
She asked Izzul to fetch her at my blk since i wasn't tagging along to meet the tpb.
I miss you guys though. Muchmuch. ):

Yesterday was mundane with nothing to do but rotting at home. -.-
Later at night familia went to aunt's house over at yishun. But i didnt tag along as i was lazy to.
But fortunately, i had those dearest lovelies keeping me company through msn. And also Boyfriend accompany me through text messages.

Im deciding whether should i go out next sun.
Most probably i won't be going to trey's birthday party.
Since it starts late afternoon and is at pasir ris which is kinda far for me.
But i wanna go out. Hmm. We'll see. But i hope to go out with someone. ❤ (:

To dearest Abg Apek Maori.
Cheer up dearest. Taqmo sad2, nnt adeq pun sad.
*hughug*

I dont know what im crapping.
-.-
I'll be off now. Takecare lovelies. *xoxo*

Suddenly, i kinda miss alot of people. Boohoo~

2010-01-09T12:07:00.002+08:00

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I tried to hold but it hurts too much
I tried to forgive but it's not enough
To make it all okay

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to say
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late

You can't play our broken strings
You can't feel anything
That your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that aint real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
Oh and I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last change to feel again

2010-01-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

I really don't get you.
I really don't understand what was my fault that you have the urge to do that to me.
Damn it. Im feeling so damn disappointed and upset right at this point of time.
Im not going to elaborate anything here.
I want to be alone. Leave me alone. Sorry. Thanks.

2010-01-01T13:37:00.003+08:00

Let's just do alittle update on yesterday alright.
Basically, the start of yesterday was spent rotting at home.
Later at night, decided to go out.
So met Dearest at J.E and we headed off to Marina Square.
Dearest was such a sweetheart to accompany me even though he was down with fever and wasn't feeling well. Thanks sweetheart. ILoveYou ♥
Blablabla. Met NanaCuzzy and her date, after which find a spot to catch the fireworks.
The fireworks was awesome! Especially when it was with your love one. ♥
Even though yesterday was quite mundane, i was glad that i ended 2009 and started 2010 with DearestBoyfriend.
After the whole fireworks thingy, Love thought of meeting his friends.
But the plan was cork up. -.-
So Familia fetched me and Boyfriend. Roamed around for awhile. After which sent Aunt and TinaCuzzy home and then Boyfriend.

Love, thanks for spending the day with me.
Hope in this new year, things will get better for us.
I love you truckloads dearest! *xoxo*

In this new year, im going to forget the past, take it as a lesson learn, and learn from the mistakes made.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVELIES!
*xoxo*

2009-12-30T23:11:00.003+08:00

I just feel like updating something to keep my blog from dying even though i don't have much to say.
Earlier on, i went to catch a movie at Cineleisure with DearestBoyfriend, my Sanchikas babies and their dates. Watch Alvin and the Chipmunk 2. It was adorable. (:
After which we had our late lunch and early dinner. Then after, we were like roaming around aimlessly. So me and Dearest decided to head home. Thanks Love for accompanying me even though you were sick. Love you truckloads. And sorry that i am a little moody today.
And thanks to Mira's Boyfriend for the movie treat. (:

I feel kinda tired but i cant get to sleep yet. Haiya~

Lately, life has been a roller-coaster ride for me leaving me emotionally unstable. I'm recovering from it. Slowly.

And to that particular someone, if this is a game you're playing with me. If this is your 'sweet revenge'. Then get over it. Cause im not playing any games with you anymore. I'm sure you had move on. And eventually i will too. I'm through with 'this. I'll deal and let it pass.

2009-12-26T11:19:00.002+08:00

Like Teera said,

"sometimes when you've had too much of everything, it just makes you feel numb."

That's how im feeling.
Actually im not feeling totally numb. Cause there would be this triggering heartache at times.
Gosh~ i really hate this feeling.
Get away soon please.

2009-12-24T23:35:00.009+08:00

Ever gotten that feeling.
Like as though you have no one to turn to.
Not even the one you actually thought u could.
But ironically, they just wasnt there.
Have you even been in a situation whereby no matter how hard you try to make things work, it seems like all the effort you put in seems to go wasted.
I did, sadly.

Im trying to keep my composure. Im trying hard to take control of my emotions. Im trying to take charge of my thoughts, to get rid of all the negative mindset and feelings i had in me.
But as hard as i tried to push it all away, it just wont bug.
i feel so suffocated. Reallyreally suffocated.
Im trying to make all these situation better but things hardly improved.
Im not strong. I tried to be. But sadly, im not.
My heart is aching real badly. For how long more must i endure all these.
Cause im unsure for how long more can i do so.
No one bothers. About how i feel. About what i had been through. About what i had been sacrificing.
Everyone thinks im being selfish? But im not, yet people assume i am.
Im just another human being with feelings. i cant please everyone.
I need to get away. From all these things that's bugging me. I need a break. On my own.
Im sorry.
For running away from reality.
Im too hurt. I just need a temporary getaway.
Sorry.

2009-12-23T00:57:00.003+08:00

Many thoughts i had in mind that makes me feel all jumbled up inside.
All i ever wanted was to lead a peaceful life, for once.
But no matter how happy my life seems, there would be obstacles in between.
The laughter i laughed might just be a mask to show everyone else that i am happy when deep down im actually not.
Why must things always get hard for me.
I tried my bestest in almost everything. but everyone hardly sees the effort i made.
It gets really disheartening that sometimes i just feel like giving up.
I want to lead a peaceful life without any problems or trouble bugging me please.
I want to be left alone.
Sorry. Dont bother me. Thanks.

TeeraSmallyTwinnie;
Thanks love for being my listening ears.
I really appreciate it loads.
And thanks for trying to cheer me up.
*xoxo*

2009-12-17T23:40:00.004+08:00

7 Months.
❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
ILoveYou, Muhammad Izjzudin.

2009-12-12T07:52:00.008+08:00

Im feeling very lethargic.
I slept real late last night and now im awake. Only had a few hours of sleep.
And later im working at 11-4/5. After which i need to study for my paper. Haiya~

Anyways, on Wednesday which was 9 December.
It was Boyfriend's birthday and we had a date.
The sad thing was, i hadn't gotten my pay. So Boyfriend was the one paying for everything.
He insisted on it. Boo~ I felt so bad.
Another sad thing was, i had been wanting to watch New Moon.
But it didn't went according to plan.
But it's ok though. At least we spent time together.
And dinner was splendid. We had our dinner at Figs and Olive. Nice~
After which we headed home and Boyfriend treated My Family to Canadian Pizza.
Such a sweetheart. Thanks Love for all the treats. (:

I did not take any pictures with Boyfriend. *sad*
BUt we took plenty of pictures of our dinner. Heh.

So here's the pictures.
(it's not in correct order. It's from bottom to top. Cause me had our dessert after the main course.)

Thanks Boyfriend for making all that effort just to have a day out with me.
Love you loads.
*xoxo*

And to Dearest Bestfriend.
From this moment onwards im sure things are going to be getting harder for you.
Im worried for you. Take good care of yourself and keep me updated ok.
Dont overwork yourself too much. And please dont forget to tell me everything. *hughug*

2009-12-09T00:00:00.000+08:00

9 December.

Happy 18th birthday to my DearestBabyLove.
Finally da legal eyk you. Heh. (:
Thanks for being such a sweetheart.
For being the bestest boyfriend despite all the bad moments we had.
You had been great though.
I love you truckloads.
And i cant wait to spent time with you dearest!
Saya sayang bangat sama kamu!!

And also to my gf, Shahadah.
Happy 19th Birthday love.
(:

May you both be blessed always and succeed in your future endeavours.
Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki. Amin.

2009-12-08T23:33:00.002+08:00

Time check it's only 11.30 pm. The clock has not yet strike 12. So that means it's still the 8th.
And i felt really guilty today. Seriously.
Apparently, today is my good friend's birthday. And yet i didnt know.
I felt really bad. As a friend.
He had been such a sweetheart, always helping me and yet pathetically, i didnt even know his birthday.
So thousands of apologies dearest donkey! *very sad face*

I would like to wish Happy 18th Birthday to dearest Mitchell Yogen Michael.
May you be blessed always and succeed in your future endeavours.
Sorry again dearest.
And stay happy always!
Thanks for being such a great friend.
And for all the help you had been giving me.
(:

2009-12-05T19:27:00.004+08:00

I felt like as though things are getting worst for me.
Im feeling much worst than i did before.

All i want to do now is just to run away from everything. Even if it's only for a moment.
I cant take this any longer.
It's breaking me apart.

The laughter i laughed was just a mask to hide the tears i cried.

2009-12-02T19:33:00.001+08:00

To love someone is to understand each other, to laugh together, to smile with your heart and to trust one another. One important thing is to let each other go if you can't do this.

Two words;
Emotionally Unstable.

Just leave me alone.
You dont need me anyway.

2009-12-02T14:39:00.005+08:00

I had been feeling really exhausted for the past couple of days.
Too many things to be done, and too much thoughts i had in mind.
Somehow im not as outgoing as before, that i realized.
It's like. Lately, i just don't talk that much like i always would. Beats me why. But i just feel lazy to talk.
And somehow that affects certain things.
At times i felt left out and stuff.
And at times i just want to be alone without anyone bothering me.
I don't know. Have i changed? Haiya~
Forget it.

I'll update again where there is a better post coming.

To that one and only hate tagger of mine.
I think most probably i know you are. Maybe.
Tag all you want, but it wont make me or break me.
(:

I miss bestfriend.
It's been quite some time since we last met.
Meet up soon dearest.
(:

I miss boyfriend.
Even though we had just met yesterday, i still miss you.
After the incident yesterday i was just scared.
I though you would never come back when you walk away. Emotions just gets the best of me.
But you did. Thankfully.
And when you hug me and wipe those tears away, i felt like not letting you go.
I love you that much dearest.
Sincerely, wholeheartedly.
*xoxo*

2009-11-29T16:14:00.005+08:00

A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding.. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling.. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you.

Sometimes i cant help but to wonder to myself.
Why is it that we're always willing to stand all the pain for the ones we love?

You could leave me breathless with everything you do.
You could make me cry real bad but it keeps me still wanting to be with you.
Despite everything you do, good or bad, i cant seem to get rid of you.
Neither have i ever thought of doing so.
Im just another human being.
I do make mistakes. Im not perfect, no one is.
But sometimes it hurts when the one who meant alot to you seems to be making you feel a little upset and out of place.
I had been having all kind of negative thoughts and feelings that kept haunting me.
Maybe im just paranoid.
But forget it.
I dont wish to elaborate anything more here.
I feel like being alone now. i am alone anyways.
Not everything can be expressed through words.
The things i felt may not be the things i said.
Sometimes it's better to keep it to oneself rather than telling the other person.

Not everything in life is pleasant.
There's bound to be a time when things get harder.
And somehow, you'll just have to deal with it.

True love takes courage because you put your heart in a perfect position to get torn into a million pieces.

2009-11-29T16:14:00.000+08:00

2009-11-29T02:14:00.002+08:00

Im at Changi now and it's already 2plus AM. Heh.
Today was quite tiring at work. Suposingly i finished at 4PM but extended till 5PM.
After which i headed off, get ready and we went out to watch Kromo at Bukit Batok.
And yes we get to meet our favourite boys.
Ok i know Tina is going to be saying, "excuse me, its not our favourite boys, It MY favourite boys."
Pape lurh eyk Tina. -.-
That girl is soo happy to see that someone. Cheychey da grow rambut sey dektu! *reminded of that time when he was dancing* You know i know eyk tina! *kening up down*
Didi and Tina kept teasing me about that particular someone.
Stop it eyk korang. Last warning eyk!
Skali semack kang baru tawu! Heh.
Aniways i saw Ikaa Sweetheart.
Though of camwhoring but we didnt though. She was siitting somewhere else and i was somewhere else. So sad~ ):
After the whole event ended.
Me, familia, uncles, aunties and cuzzies all headed off to Changi to buy food than after we went to Changi beach. And till now im still here.

As for tomorrow im hoping that i am able to meet Love Cause i miss him.

I miss bestfriend too.
And yes!
It's dearest Bestest Teman's Birthday!
Happy 17th Birthday Love!
MAy you be blessed always and stay happy always.
Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki.
May you succeed in your future endeavors.
Syasya sayang kamu muchmuch bestest!

2009-11-27T12:33:00.002+08:00

Working was kinda tiring yesterday since lately i had been rather busy with school and thus im feeling lethargic.
I actually felt lazy to work yesterday since i had not been having enough rest and also i was going to fall sick.
Yesterday i didn't talk much though to people around. Sorry love ones.
And yesterday had a slight misunderstanding with Love.
Im sorry sweetheart.
Our conversation, whether it's good or bad, will be kept between us.
So i dont see the need to jot it down here.
And i miss you much darling.
Meet up soon love. Let's go on a date! Heh. (:

And to dearest Bestfriend, Fazley.
Im sorry darling if i made u upset.
Thanks for cheering me up and for all your cre and concern dearest.
2 more days bebeh! (:
And oh, we'll meet up soonez kays.
*hughug*

Saturday is coming!!
Yes uh! Heh.
I would be working later on at 6 til closing.
And as for tomorrow, supposingly i should be working im the afternoon.
But then i told them that i could only work in the morning.
Tomorrow there would be Kromo keluaran.
Me and TinaCuzzy for sure wanted to watch them.
Cause we missed watching our favourite boys~
Especially Jongs eyk Tina? Haha.
But im not sure though if our familia is going.
Me and her is hoping hard we would.
At the same time, i could meet up with Ikaa Sweetheart.
Camwhoring kay love! Saye suke saye suke~ Hees~

And oh! Boyfriend and bestfriend and BFF and Gfs!
Bile mau camwhore? *muke merajuk* Hehe.

And lastly!
Selamat Hari Raya Haji to all the muslim out there. (:

I dont know what more to blog about.
Takecare lovelies.
*xoxo*
Assalamuaaikum.

2009-11-25T21:48:00.001+08:00

I feeling so damn stressed up cause there's plenty of things to be done.
And now im feeling rather down.
Haish. ):

2009-11-24T12:37:00.003+08:00

I have this urge to blog something.
Haha. But i actually have no idea what to blog on.
Time spent with Love days ago was awesome!
Despite being sick, he still made an effort to spent time with me.
Aww~ Such a sweetheart.
I cant wait for upcoming dates.
I want to watch the sunset with Love. Just the two of us kay sweetheart! (:

And to Dearest Bestest Teman.
Cheer up sweets.
It makes me sad knowing that you are down.
Even though at times you tried hiding it in order for me not to know.
Trust me, i will know somehow.
Besides you're my bestfriend.
I know you well enough to know whether things are alright or the other way round.
So please dont hide anything from me.

Same goes to Boyfriend.
Dont hide anything from me.

2009-11-21T16:06:00.006+08:00

[picture taken last year, dec]

I had been feeling rather unwell lately.
Even though it was only kinda a slight fever, i still didnt feel too good.
But i still went to school and work though.
I had been working for the past 2 days.
And yesterday i got a surprise at work. (:
Hahaha.
While i was working suddenly Mr Tony said that customer was looking for me.
I was kinda shocked plus nervous.
Cause i thought that there might be a complaint or something bad.
BUt thank god it wasnt any bad things.
There was this couple who wanted to give me a gift as a token of appreciation.
Cause there was this one particular time, they left their hp ( i think it was an i phone or something i cant remember).
And i returned it back to them while they was at the counter.

It was kinda unexpected cause they never did asked my name or whatsoever.
And it had been days since that incident.
It was really thoughtful that they went to the extent of giving me a gift.
Thank you. (:
It was a Casio digital watch.
I remembered i used to have a watch almost similar to that kind.
Hahaha. Still im thankful for the gift.
They're such nice people. (:

Im rotting at home today.
Kak Diana called to asked me to work cause they dont have enough manpower.
But sadly i cant, cause i need to finish up my report which is due tomorrow.
And im not even sure whether my content is correct.
Help please anyone? Heh.
I better get back to my report.

Takecare lovelies.
*xoxo*

2009-11-20T10:23:00.002+08:00

Boyfriend's sick. *sad face*
Get well real soon Love.
I want him to rest at home but he needed to go to school.
I have this urge to smack his teacher in the head.
Knowing that Boyfriend's sick, she/he still insisted on him coming to school.
Ass~ what if something happens belo. -.-

Hopefully Love can withstand the pain.
*xoxo*

2009-11-17T14:02:00.002+08:00

Happy 6th Monthsary Love. ❤

Holding this far was tough. But we did.
Half a year with you sweetheart.
Despite the ups and downs. Im blessed having you around.
Thanks for being such such a darling love.

I love you truckloads Babylove. *sweetest smile*
Heh.

And to BestestTeman. I hope nothing happens to you again. Cause it upsets me seeing you in such a state. Get well real soon sweets. (:

2009-11-14T13:52:00.004+08:00

One night, the moon said to me, 'If he makes you cry, why don't you leave him?' I looked at the moon and said, 'Moon, would you ever leave your sky?'

Despite everything that we had to go through or the tears i cried just for you.
I still do love you as much as i ever did.
Things get harder each time, but that will never subside the love that i had for you.
And i hope you realised how much you meant to me love.

And that is how much i love you, still it cant be compared with anything else.